hmm?

Hey to all who wants to read..ok
so I know I gotta write back to some posts and stuff but I've just been working so much which kinda feels good..
sometimes I have the tendency to burn myself out though which I don't want to do anymore. Damn! ok..so my boss was talking to me tonight about being adopted though, wierdly. He's greek, so he kinda has an accent, but he knew what he was talking about, aside from him not being adopted-not because of his accent haha.

Anyway, right now what I'm working on..is saving money so I can get a place of my own..haha as stated in my post. I just don't know where I want to go or where I am supposed to go. Ok I'm gonna ramble now -wait, nevermind. I just seem to want to travel all over the place but I just don't understand it really...when will I ever settle down somewhere??? I am starting to feel old yet I'm 23. uuum...gosh sorry this is all over the place. I feel as if I am writing for an audience so I am writing differently. Ok well I'll stop that.
So, there's this boy-guy actually-far away from me and I want to go where he is. Does anybody get really swept away by emotions...feel a connection, mystical, or spiritual with anybody and then confuse it with love? Or is that love? I mean I know emotions isn't love...but ahhhh damn I wish I knew.

Well anyway gotta go now.
<3
~Jane
(I want to change my name to Jane)

0

people and places

I guess I call you Jane then.

I could be wrong, but having read your post several times, I wonder: would you like to have a place of your own, or do you feel the need to have someone you belong to?

Niels, Thanks for writing.

Niels,
Thanks for writing. I don't really have anybody I belong to. I suppose I kinda feel afraid of "risking" this be it the fact that anybody I have previously belonged to has been in the utmost unhealthy way. I would like to belong to somebody in a healthy way though, but I don't even know what that means. What does it mean??? This concept makes me feel like crying. anyway, sorry it took me so long to write back; I haven't been on here for awhile. Yeah I really do want a place of my own though...but then again sometimes I feel really scared being totally alone. Ah it's questionable.

But I do want to be able to be self-sufficient and happy at the same time.

Thanks for listening.

xoxo
Jane

Building Confidence

I don't know about you, but I grew-up where everything about me was controlled by those who "knew better".  Often that knowing better was in the name of "protection", or "love", but in all essence, I found this treatement of my owners controlling and suffocating, force-feeding me the need to flee a desperately consuming thought that kept saying"  "I have to get out of here!"

I often think, had I been given more freedom to make mistakes that were not seen as fatal flaws of personal failure, I would not be as dependent on "adult intervention" I have found through marriage.  It's funny, but I look back on my life and realize no one taught me "desperate is what desperate does, and no one likes to live with a sense of desperation".  For myself, finding Love meant I had to find it with and through another person -- surely it could never come from just me, because if left alone without Proper Supervision, all efforts would prove "disappointing".  [Is there anything WORSE than chronically disappointing those around us?]

Anyway, in regards to following your heart and passion -- just know where both really are.  Is your love and passion found in a single Person, or does it exist in something you deeply crave?  Define it, and you will find it.

I think love is much bigger than a standard set of lust-based feelings, so all of your own questions and answers have to come from within.  This is, what I believe to be the self-parenting process of mature emotional release.  [Does that makes sense?]

Hey thank you so much for

Hey thank you so much for all your comments. I want to say this to everybody-but thanks kerry for this one. Again, great response. um, I get what you're saying about the love thing. I ...meant about my passion; I actually want to be an actress. I haven't really told anybody because I kind of feel afraid of it. But to tell you the truth, I really like you guys and feel like you understand me more than anybody ever has...in regards to the abuse-and that's really amazing in and of itself. I'll tell you about the passion thing in a minute!! I'll blog it perhaps!! :)

You found "adult intervention" through marraige?? what does that mean exactly though???

Parent-Replacements

In my case, when I was 22, I was already a highly-respected head-nurse who made an excellent income, yet I was forbidden to leave my parent's house unless I got married.

My living situation in their house was so bad, I didn't know what to do. My only time out and away from them was through work or through dating  -- and at the time, I was dating a good-looking wealthy doctor (my mother and grandmother loved) who was cheating on me.  Words cannot describe my lonely suffoctating misery.  I was so ashamed of being afraid of the people who owned me.  Desperation was telling me, "I either end my life, or find my escape".  I decided my best chance for survival was to actively date, and marry the first person who asked me.

I got married when I was 23.  The relationship was never based on love, but the need to flee my heart-breaking reality. Fear kept me from taking care of myself, because I was razed to believe I COULD NEVER MAKE IT ON MY OWN. I married a man 14 years older than me, thinking he could keep me safe, protecting me from my parents.  Instead, I discovered he thrived best when he was controlling everything that touched me.  It wasn't until I gave birth to my first baby, at the age of 25, that I realized the worst of all situations for myself:  I married a man who was just like The Shrew (my a.mother).  Believe me when I say, there is no greater doom than knowing history is going to repeat itself.

"Adult intervention" for me has always meant someone with sadistic intentions is going to hurt me through orders and controlled abuse.  I guess it safe to say then, as I approach my fourties, I have never experienced a long-term live-in loving relationship that was healthy, appropriate and mature.

[Is there really such a beast -- because truth be told, the last thing I want in my life is a "mature relationship" with someone.  Where would be the healthy fun I still deeply crave?]

the wanderer

has existed throughout history and i sometimes wonder what his childhood story was:  i bet it was similar to ours.

i used to relish the opportunity to reinvent myself - once i fled home, i wanted to re-create that feeling i got when everything was shiny and new with possibility.  only the emptiness would return and i would flee again.  i got hooked on that feeling and it got to be less about leaving and more about moving  towards something.

but over and over again, i find that the new is less new and somehow familiar and the places i have left were not so bad.  grass is greener.  and what actually i was fleeing from was dealing with being a victim.  and really reinventing myself is an exercise in futility, when what i really need to do is just let out the me that's already in there and get comfortable with that personna.

all around me sit instruments never learned to play.  art materials not used. projects unfinished. boxes still unpacked from the last move. 

and they can just sit there.  because they're just embellishments and ways to pass time / spin my wheels. 

the time has come to stop moving and just sit still and breathe and everything is okay.

I love it, I love it. I can

I love it, I love it. I can totally relate. This is what I was doing for sooo long. So i want to seriously stop running also. I want to ...be and feel and know that I am always safe and have a really great community and know that I am competent and able...etc etc. Ah...great post, woman!! xoxo:)

Maybe I'm just tired!

I've lived in at least nineteen different places in the past twenty six years!  Been through three careers and about fourteen jobs!  hell, i think the count is gettin confused at this point...I have the wanderlust in me even as we speak. 
But I've decided to ignore it and stay put for a little while. 

It's been less than a year since my nervous break down, and first recognition that I even had any abandonment issues.  Or family of origin issues.  Or PTSD.  Or anxiety attacks. And suddenly I was a raw nerve.  In total desperation and fear of listening to that mantra-like voice that told me to stop, stop, stop the pain, and sheer willpower to get out of the bed I'd been in for a month, i threw myself even more furiously and desperately into projects.  Only their allure faded ten times faster and I was running out of ideas.  Everything was tasteless and gray and limp.  It took becoming an absolutely ludicrous exercise before I realized how hysterical it was, this desperate search to do something fulfilling.  That I was trying to fill a bottomless hole.  That it was a replacement for all the relationships I wasn't forming.  That my romanticizing being a rootless tragic figure, being sardonic and remote, and glorifying the hermit troll I had become was all a crock. 

Now, I am 44 and alone.  It's taken all this time for all these issues to come to the surface and ooze out their noxious pus.  Now I know that what I really need is people in my life and that somewhere, somehow I will learn to trust someone.  I am more the hermit than ever, because that's where my steady pre-breakdown took me. But I don't look at that with pride anymore.  I don't do anything with pride anymore.  I have been profoundly humbled by the immeasurable force of latent traumas held in check too long.  I am learning to be honest with myself and learning to identify how I am feeling.  (I have an inability to determine how I am  feeling)  In a strange way, I am like an infant staring at its hands in wonder.  In wonder of our own resiliency and how beautiful we are. So I have never been more isolated, but I'm using the time well and my eyes are clear.

Jane, I will say again - you are in great shape!  That you even think about these things at your age makes you twice as thoughtful as most people and ten times smarter than me!  Just remember there is no way to side-step any of this past of ours - it is part and parcel of who we are - and to deny it (through flight or any other methods) is to cripple and handicap ourselves - like a stool with a leg missing.  or two. 

and yeah, be an actress.  emote all over the place.  use what's inside you as fuel for confrontation instead of avoidance.  explore what makes you tick and don't be afraid to express it.  fuck this being tough shit. 

haha I love you almost

haha I love you almost human!! what's your real name again?? thank you so much :)

what's in a name?

this almost human is also known as Leanne Leith.

i can say my true name because my parents are both deceased, which gives me a little more freedom than the rest of you guys and i acknowledge that others do not feel they can do this.
but i think my break-down also freed me to come out of the closest anyway - what damage can they do to me they haven't already?  i totally estranged myself from them all years ago, and actually am going to change my name as soon as i can find something meaningful that i like!  consider it filing for divorce...

which is really kind of cool and also empowering. 

i didn't ask for this name.  i never liked this name.  i never responded to this name, either.  i was almost three when adopted and you'd think that was still young enough to be imprintable.  wrong.  it was never my real name and i resisted embracing it from day one.  i responded to sooki because my name was yung sook.  my parents just gave up and called me that.  only they spelled it wrong, like the japanese word for like. my therapist (don't go anymore, but) was always impressed by this.  she thought my childhood rejection of that name to be both poetic and profound.  to me, that name signifies ownership, and the only one who owns me is me.

anyway, you're mighty welcome.  if any similarities in how we deal with this travesty can spare you some grief, then my work here has some value to it.

Owning a new name

I had to laugh at the comment made about your therapist being impressed with the "profound and poetic" - justice ? - your disapproval represents regarding your adopted name.

I never liked my name, all 4 of them given to me through adoption.  i was in my mid-thirties when I met with a social worker ("counselor") to discuss my non-identifying birth information.  From her, I learned (for the first time), I was given an original first and middle name by my mother.  I remember sitting there, feeling sick and dizzy with excited anticipation:  "I'm going to find-out my first identity!!  I'm going to get a peek into what my mother saw in me when she named me!!"

<sobbing>

I actually fantasized for a few minutes with names I would have loved to hear spoken out loud to "be me". 

Laura?

Samantha?

<thinking: what else was popular in the late 1960's?!?>

Sarah?  Elizabeth?  Colleen?

When I heard the name "Wanda Dawn" I cried.  It was the most hideous name I could have wished for myself!!!

<laughing/crying, still> 

How pathetic a moment that keeps re-living in me.

As luck would have it, I married a man whose last name reads like a sex-act.  It seems I can't escape the curse of an "unwanted" name, so the idea of making a legal change to fix my identity, is indeed very appealing to me.  The problem is, how do I properly re-define myself?

I realize, I can't.  What I own is my life-story, and how I tell it.  Some names are more important than others.  The truth is and always will be:  I was born "Wanda Dawn"; but I am known simply as "Kerry" ~

who do you honor?

Wanda Dawn...well, it could have been much much worse!

I realize, I can't.  What I own is my life-story, and how I tell it.  Some names are more important than others.  The truth is and always will be:  I was born "Wanda Dawn"; but I am known simply as "Kerry" ~

that's very true.  there is another component to the name change that my daughter came up with (we are both changing our names!)  and my son has agreed to as well!!!
and that is, that our surname honors a patriarchal system.  as a positive, my daughter wanted to both honor women she respects and not support the current patriarchal emphasis honoring only men's lineage, and as a negative, i didn't want to honor my patriarchal adopted legacy.  and my son wanted to honor both the women in his life! 

so my entire family is searching for a last name that has something meaningful for all of us.  our last name is going to signify being voluntarily in each others lives and be divorced from ownership.  i see it less as a historic breadcrumb and more as defining a new outlook.

do i have great kids, or what?

Last, but not least

It's funny how our own children help us see the beauty within (including ourselves).

Considering the fact that all 4 important men in my life have emotionally and physically abandoned me (both fathers, my brother and my FDH), I have a strong aversion to the taking of a man's last name. 

In a strange twist, the SW did tell me the last name of my mother.  Not in so many words, of course.  She played a "guessing-game" with me, giving me clues I could not get wrong.  [It was obvious she felt really bad about my situation, after she asked me:  "Tell me what you know about your adoption."  It turned out everything I was told was lie upon lie.  The only accurate piece of information was the actual birth-date.  An irony, given that's the first-lie discovered in an adoption file.]

I considered using that last-name as my legal-replacement, but it's not a name my kids would like or understand, (let alone accept right now), since they are very close with their father.  In my case, my kids are still quite young, and have been through enough trauma watching me break-down in very strange and "inappropriate" situations.  As much as they DO know, there is much I cannot let them know, either.  When they are older, and I am free to divorce FDH, [we have made an agreement], I do know which name I will take for myself, reflecting both histories ("her-stories") of my name.

I like how twisted my final name will become, because I will keep my last-given first name as my First... and I will take the first last name I was never given, and use it to replace the second last-name I hate.  First and Last will become Last-first and First-last.  [Only an adoptee can have it as such!]

There's one thing more:  my mother's maiden name is almost the same name as a very dear friend from my childhood.  He was the one person in my life I wished was my brother.  He was killed before I had children.  My mother's maiden name adds an "S" to his.

"Possession is 9/10th of the law".  (As in the apostrophe S?)

sounds like a winner

took me about three reads to figure out, but now i get it! 
names should have some meaning, so honoring your friend sounds beautiful.

In truth...(and honor)

By choosing my mother's maiden name, I will be honoring my first, and only mother.

I was razed Catholic, and the commandment "Honor thy Father and Mother" always made me gag. 

I am neither religious nor spiteful, but I think when I allow myself to see beauty, it's only right I honor the woman who gave me Life.

 

I like your korean name.

My first  friend's name was Yung Sook. We were friends from 6 to 8 years old. Her older sister and mine were also friends, so we were often together when our sister were not quarreling. We liked saying that we had similiar names. My name was Myung Sook.

My a-mother wanted to call me Kimberly or Sophie but when they learned that my surname was Kim, they decided to keep it as my given name. I never thought once they had decided to keep my surname because Kim is pronounce Gim in Korean until three years later, they told me that they also kept Myung Sook as my middle name. They said that if I wanted to go back to live in Korea later, I could only drop my canadian surname. I appreciate their intentions but it's the culture and the language that separate us (my birth family and me).

Unlike you, I hated my korean name (and everything related to Korea and Asia) and I wanted to hide it from everyone during several years. I hated it when my adoptive father was calling me Sook-a (because I told him once that in Korean, when we call someone we say the name followed by A); and I hated it when my family was mocking at me by saying miiiiiioooooowww-sook.

 When I was around 23, it was the first time that I though to change my name legally to Myung-Sook Kim but I never made the change.  Now, I would like to change it legally but then, my given name would become again my surname.

learn something new every day

in Korean, when we call someone we say the name followed by A

didn't know that!  my mother claimed my foster mother called me sook-i  (WHERE did this info come from???) probably at least sounded less alien than LEANNE.
someone told me once that yung sook is so common that i might as well be jane doe.  after that, i am even less sure my korean name isn't just an invention.

i, too, hated everything asian.  i was referred to as 'my little siamese kitty cat' (which to this day makes me shudder when i think of how sexually loaded that is) and when i was unhappy my father told me i had that 'kamikazee' look on my face.  just one IGNORANT insensitive identity warping racist tag after another...

the only thing i actually treasured was a little red korean travel dictionary, there was something incredibly personal about my relationship to that book, holding it and looking at the characters.  it represented and stood for an entire culture and body of knowledge that i recognized and was almost mine but never mine.  you know, all its wisdom right there in my hands.  it was probably the only non-picture book i owned, so it had a gravity and importance to it.  and i would look up the korean words as i learned the english words, even though i couldn't pronounce anything.  i took it to show and tell and one of my redneck tormentors stole it from me, and it never got replaced.  i think that's when any connection to korea died in me.  poof.  gone.  give up.  what is this moisture in my eyes?  i hadn't thought about this before and must be grieving this for the first time as i write.  fuck. 

Now, I would like to change it legally but then, my given name would become again my surname.

oh, that's too funny!  (they put the surname first in korea, for those who don't know)  i also wonder how many kims ended up with kim as a first name! 

haha I hated everything

haha I hated everything korean too. that's wierd.

A on the end

How sad it makes me to hear of your hatred of Korea.  I've been there several times.  For OPPOSITE reason, I fell in love
with Korea.  For someone taking the opportunity away from you, to love your birth country, shatters my happiness in loving
what I experienced over there. I DO understand why you hate anything Korean; it makes me want to strangle the ones
responsible for your pain!  What you have lost is cruel...

Myung Jinna:  with the A sounding like a short U; that was one son's  nick name.

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy

How can you not hate Korea?

When you're the only Korean for fifty miles in all directions in a place where nobody ever leaves town, then YOU represent all of Korea and all of the ORIENT and you are warped into being all their stereotypes and ridiculed for all those stereotypes and resented and exoticized and eroticized.  You are a walking target.  You get all of the immigrant experience except being an adult who knew what they left and made a choice to re-locate.  Everything about you is characterized.  Everything about where you came from is a cartoon.  Yes.  You hate Korea.  You don't belong anywhere but at home, and home is not so great. 

footnote:
Maybe i can forgive Korea one day.  I feel they owe me restitution or at least a huge apology.

Where I live there are MANY

Where I live there are MANY Asians; and adoptions are very common here, too.  I can't imagine what you went through
as the only Asian...  And yes, there are a lot of people who owe you apologizes and explanations!  I can understand
your emotional detachment from such a narrow world you lived in.  Korea must seem so cold and selfish in your
eyes.  Thank you for helping me understand.

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy

Pound Pup Legacy