Pound Pup Legacy

By Wendy Spero

 It’s no wonder people often compare my mother to Dr. Ruth. (Remember her? The grandmotherly sex therapist with the thick German accent?) My mom is a small woman — maybe 4’9” — with wispy short brown hair and at least seven layers of shoulder pads. She also happens to be a sex therapist, which, if you’re single and dating, isn’t really the profession you hope for in a parent. But the truth is, my dating advisor has always been my mom. Over the years, she’s talked me off a series of dating-related ledges, and the best advice she’s given me has, oddly, had nothing to do with sex. Here are my top Mom-approved dating tips:

1. “Do they ask questions?”
My mother was never lacking for questions about my dating life, and her first was always this: “Does the person you’re seeing ask enough specific questions about your life?” If not, she’d say, seriously consider ending things. Of course, it’s possible that this person is going through a short-lived self-absorbed phase (he just started a new, demanding job, for instance) or is simply shy, but my mother insisted that it’s more likely this person prefers to be the star in the relationship. He or she is probably hoping to win some kind of relationship Oscar and has already cast you as the permanent audience member, to laugh and listen and clap on the sidelines.

Still, sometimes it was hard to find someone who asked enough questions to meet my mother’s approval. She wasn’t talking about questions like, “How was your day?” or “Are you tired?” She meant specific questions like, “Wait, what is your friend doing now, since she was laid off at the firm?” Or, “What was the name of the turtle you found in that pond again?” She urged me to try my darnedest to find a mate who asks the kind of insightful, thoughtful questions everyone wants to be asked—the kinds of questions you’d expect from your best friend.

2. “Do they answer questions?”
According to my mom, it’s great news if the person you’re seeing asks good questions. But it’s not such great news if the same person seems incapable of sharing details from his or her own life. Not just details like, “I worked for three years in banking.” She meant details like, “Yeah, it was a really stifling environment. My parents had always pushed me towards a business career, which is why I tried it in the first place I think, and it was great to get the up the courage to quit, finally.” OK, lame example, but my mom is a therapist, so she gives those kinds of examples. And I understood what she was saying: You want to hear details that have real meaning in the person’s life. They may seem trivial, but they’re actually signs of openness and what mom would call “healthy emotional availability.”

3. “How do they deal with anger?”
My Mom loves the phrase “healthy emotional availability” and used it in a variety of dating contexts. One was anger. She always wanted to know how my boyfriends dealt with anger—whether the anger was directed at me or someone else. She wanted to know, “Is he willing to calmly talk about it?” Being with the stoic, silent type, she said, doesn’t mean you’re with someone calm and grounded. This may be obvious, but it’s key: Don’t date someone who walks around bottled up like an overheated sealed container in a microwave. They could burst at any moment.*

*This is my metaphor—my mother has never owned a microwave. She’s concerned the electromagnetic waves are potentially hazardous.

4. “Are they ‘finding themselves’?”
Mom warned me to stay away from people who are “finding themselves.” I argued, “What does that even mean, Mom? When have you officially ‘found yourself’? People are always changing.” True, my mother said, but she explained it like this: Some people know themselves more than others. Stay away from the people who are looking for a partner to help define their worth. Don’t date people who seem somehow “lost” and think they’ll find their identity by being with you. As my mom also likes to say, “That’s a recipe for disaster, dear.”

5. “Are they opposed to therapy?”
Here’s the thing. Everyone is somewhat crazy. It’s just a matter of degree. And everyone has “issues.” It’s just a matter of how much a person is willing to acknowledge them and how much the person is willing to address them.

My mom doesn’t believe that everyone should be in therapy, and she certainly doesn’t believe all couples should go to couples therapy. But she sure does love therapy and therefore believes that it’s a red flag if your partner thinks that therapy is only for the totally insane or the emotionally weak. It’s not. If your partner doesn’t believe you, make this person watch Oprah.

6. “Don’t compare, dear.”
I can’t help it, I like to compare. My mom says this is one of my biggest problems: comparing my relationships with other people’s relationships. I have a tendency to obsess about that woman I know from college who still has really good skin and who’s just gotten engaged to a totally hot dude who genuinely enjoys watching Grey’s Anatomy. But my mom says, “You have no idea what’s really going on in these people’s lives.” What she means is, you have no idea if their mates are as “perfect” as they seem when you’re all out at dinner. They could be liars. They could be cheap. They could have bed bugs. You don’t know. No one is a “perfect” catch. Stop comparing, my mom says, and focus on finding someone who makes you happy.

Wendy Spero is the author of the bestselling memoir Microthrills: True Stories from a Life of Small Highs and has written for The New York Times and Esquire. Her website is www.wendyspero.com