Adult RAD's and their baby-steps towards secure intimacy
I've been reading a lot of posts on a website that teaches sex/porn addicts how to reform their detached sex-deeds through non-orgasmic learning. The author of the book and website wrote the following post-reply that made me think about the Adult RAD's Response.
She wrote: [In response to a question about the shelf-life of her book's suggested techniques]
It [long-term success] relies on the same hardwired neurochemical program that bonds us to our kids and our parents . This is why it [her suggested method of intimate connection] can last in the same way. It's only sexual relationships that tend to decay from the moment they begin. See: http://www.reuniting.info/science/marriage_gets_worse
Today I was composing a list of behaviors that promote attachment. Lovers can use these, too. (Orgasm, or sexual satiation, in contrast, is a recurring signal that "this one is fertilized, or I got his genes, so it's time to add a novel mate to my life.")
· skin-to-skin contact,
· synchronized breathing
· kissing with lips and tongues
· cradling your partner, or holding each other
· listening intently, and restating what you hear
· stroking with desire to comfort
· massaging with desire to comfort
· touching and sucking of nipples
· forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, whether past or present
· gazing into each other’s eyes
· doing a favor, or providing a treat without being asked
She asked for more suggestions, but I was still stuck on the idea of letting someone close enough to even TRY any of that stuff, in the first-place! 
I think one of the reasons why a lot of people turn to porn, cyber-sex and prostitution is because they feel like they can't turn to a real person for their sexual gratification simply because a real personal relationship will require an emotional closeness and sense of "long-term" dedication to another person. <EEEKS!> 
... the HORRORS that implies for some of us!
I'm becoming increasingly aware and amazed how, what, and when a person will do (or not do) something, simply because an emotionally dependant relationship must be avoided at all cost. Yes, for many people, the fear of rejecting pain can be so fierce, all feel-good happiness will be deprived, just so more pain won't be gained. ("Fright and Flight" , Adrenalin and Stress Hormones 101) Crazy how "pain control" can be mastered, huh?
I think before sexual touch and techniques can be discussed, safety needs to be established between two adult-partners.
Anyone have any suggestions how THAT can be achieved by an adult who is already hurt and really afraid to trust another soul?
Comments
the continuous pattern
Holy shit, if my future-relationships are based on my parent-child relationship, I'm fucked and confused in more ways I care to imagine. Isn't it amazing how wrong people are when they assume nice acting parents are good to their owned children? This world is full of dumbass fools.
Where's my fucking bottle, I'm pissed!
Continuity of Care
Yes, it is sadly amazing how unaware so many paid professionals are STILL not remotely aware how inconsistent loving care is given to a child placed in a social-based system.
I think many adults have learned the art of fake friendly conversation, because we learn that sort of behavior through our so-called care-givers. (Care, and Giving, being relatively confusing words, of course!)
I think that's why I like writing so much... I put my uncensored thoughts on a page, and see where it goes. If it's accepted, I know I am well understood... allowing me to make a second effort to express myself. If I am shown consistent interest, I will keep making an effort to grow closer to another person.
If my words (thoughts and opinions based on my own life-experience) are rejected, I know I will only be making myself incredibly frustrated and angry, wasting my time communicating with someone who does not speak or understand my language. There's only one option: stop talking; stop sharing; stop caring, because it just doesn't matter. People want to see what they want to see, and I can't change that with my dismissed opinion.
If I fail, I will try try again... but I'll do it with a new name. After all, adoption has taught me people are replacable, no matter how important they may seem.
How they apply to me
"It [long-term success] relies on the same hardwired Neuro-Chemical program that bonds us to our kids and our parents . This is why it [her suggested method of intimate connection] can last in the same way. It's only sexual relationships that tend to decay from the moment they begin..."
And without that first program that bonds a mommy/child, what hope do we have of success?
Her suggestions and my thoughts after a time has past:
· skin-to-skin contact Only lately have I been able to accept a hug, but only from certain people. But just the thought of having some people hug me makes me truly nauseous. Like my therapist! UGH! I had made the comment that there is a need to have someone pat my arm and tell me everything would be alright. He said, "ME?" I immediately stated, "HELL NO!" I opened the door
and my 20 year old son got up and came over to me and immediately, and spontaneously patted my back and rubbed two swirls. It was the most amazing thing! He's my son... need I say more?
· synchronized breathing
· kissing with lips and tongues Just the thought of kissing with tongues makes me violently ill. Did my dad try to force oral sex on me? Good question. So how could this bonding technique help me...
· cradling your partner, or holding each other ALL I really crave is to go back in time and comfort that crying baby that was me; and yes, at first, all she can take is a pat on the back and arm; what she wants is to hear the kind words that she knows would mean acceptance.
· listening intently, and restating what you hear THIS is for kids and what I do normally.
· stroking with desire to comfort THIS would terrify me! as all touch from an adult used to seem sexual in nature, to me.
· massaging with desire to comfort I could sure use a good back rub from a generic adult who is paid and not forced to bring me comfort. I always felt that ANYONE who comforted me was forced and I only want something from someone who is willing.
· touching and sucking of nipples Because I only experienced nursing from my mother for a short time, I don't know that bonding. Could her rejection of me in the middle of nursing have caused my severe problems with being rejected by others? Being touched and sucked there in a sexual way from a man is one of those things that was JUST SEX because of my not bonding with my mother. It did not bond me to my husband; without the first bonding program MANY things are lost to a child/adult
· forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, whether past or present THAT WAS MY LIFE! It was demanded of me.
· gazing into each other’s eyes I have learned to stare into another person's eyes during conversation to show control and my deep need to be understood.
· doing a favor, or providing a treat without being asked SAME AS FORGIVING: How do I know the difference between trained obedience and truly giving of myself?
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy
Accepting the feelings
I really liked how you took each suggestion, and gave your response to each sensation.
You ask at the end:
I would think your true feelings towards the other person will dictate your actions and reactions with him/her.
For instance, "gazing into each other's eyes"... Rarely would I be able to look into the eyes of another and feel like an "equal". I would either feel like I must dominate, submit, or remove all association from that eye-to-eye conversation. "Gazing" like a love-lorn doe in swooning bliss is not anything this pup can do!
So... if I were to go down the list like you did, this is how I would respond:
· skin-to-skin contact, - Only partially, because all-skin gets dangerous
· synchronized breathing - If I have to maintain a rate of breathing with someone else, I will panic and have to stop that "exercise".
· kissing with lips and tongues - There are all sorts of rules and requirements to that one! [Wet slobber and over aggressive pressure are big issues with me....]
· cradling your partner, or holding each other - I can only endure a short "holding period"... if it goes longer than I can stand, I start to panic and push myself to freedom.
· listening intently, and restating what you hear-
I'm anal with making sure I get the other words of another "correct". The last thing I can afford is "misquoting" someone! [Horrible flashbacks to when I'd get a person's words WRONG!]
· stroking with desire to comfort - I'm very fond of the back and chest on someone else, but wandering hands on me alarm me.
· massaging with desire to comfort - Huge issues here because my mother always required back, leg and foot massages. I hate being required to comfort, but I'll do it just to shut-someone-up. As far as someone massaging me? Uh, I have to be in severe pain to enjoy the hands of another.
· touching and sucking of nipples -
· forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, whether past or present - Forgiveness from me is NOT freely given; I must be asked for it.
· gazing into each other’s eyes - Only if I can make a joke or do something that breaks the uncomfortable tension
· doing a favor, or providing a treat without being asked - That's the basis of my being.
wow
LET ME JUST BEGIN BY EXPLAINING MY PARENTAL SITUATION, AND WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE MAYBE AN INTERESTING DISCUSSION CAN BEGIN.... I AM A DAUGHTER OF NATURAL PARENTS WHO GREW UP IN A LOVING HOME WITH A N OVERWORKED FATHER WHO SUDDENLY ABANDONED ME AT THE AGE OF 16, SO HERE ARE MY REACTIONS TO THESE SITUATIONS. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.....
· skin-to-skin contact, - I ABSOLUTLY LOVE SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT, NOTHING IS BETTER THAN 2 BODIES RUBBING TOGETHER, THE FEELING OF SWEATY SKIN TOUCHING IS SO SEXY. I WOULD RATHER LAY TOUCHING BODY TO BODY THAT ACTUALLY BE HAVING SEX, THE CONTACT IS MUCH MORE INTIMATE.
· synchronized breathing - IVEE NEVER ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO THIS, THE ONLY THING I DO NOTICE IS MY HUSBANDS SNORING, AND THAT DRIVES ME NUTS. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE RESORTED TO SLEEPING IN SEPERATE BEDROOMS
· kissing with lips and tongues - LOVE, LOVE ,LOVE THIS!!! I COULD SPEND HOURS KISSING THIS IS THE MOST INTIMATE PART OF BEING TOGETHER AND NOTHING TOPS A GOOD KISSER WITH FRESH BREATH
· cradling your partner, or holding each other - AH.... THIS I COULD DO WITHOUT EXCEPT IF IM REALLY TIRED AFTER REALLY PASSIONATE SEX
· listening intently, and restating what you hear- I DONT ACTUALLY PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO WHAT PEOPLE SAY TO ME, I CAN HARDLY REMEMBER WHAT WAS SAID TO ME 5 MINUTES AGO.
· stroking with desire to comfort - I LOVE A GOOD MASSAGE BEING GIVEN TO ME BUT IM USUALLY NOT TO INTERESTED IN GIVING BACK TO OTHERS
· massaging with desire to comfort - SAME AS ABOVE
· touching and sucking of nipples - ITS HOT BUT BELEIVE IT OR NOT I DONT HAVE MUCH FEEELING IN THEM. BUT THE ACT IN ITSELF IS VERY SENSUAL
· forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, whether past or present -WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY WORLD, I DONT HOLD GRUDGES I AM A VERY FORGIVING PERSON BUT USUALLY DUE TO THE FACT THAT I HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY
· gazing into each other’s eyes - I DONT DO THIS OFTEN I GUESS BECAUSE IM NOT ALL THAT COMFORTABLE WITH MY SPOUSE, BUT WITH A PARTNER I FELT COMFORTABLE WITH I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO DO THIS
· doing a favor, or providing a treat without being asked -AGAIN IF I WAS WITH A PERSON WHICH WHOM I KNEW THE FAVOR WOULD BE APPRECIATED I LOVE THE IDEA OF DOING THIS, BUT AGAIN I HAVE A SPOUSE WHO DOES NOT APPRECIATE ME. BUT....ONE DAY IN 8 YEARS SOMEONE WILL REAP THE BENEFITS OF MY LOVE AND DEVOTION(CORNY I KNOW)