Wanting What I Can't Have
For the past few years, I've been really struggling with what would make me feel among the living and happy. On paper, I have all the qualifying tangibles for "happily ever after", but the missing gaps (like personal intimacy) are so huge, I can't seem to grasp any sense of peaceful closure, acceptance or security for myself.
I am this huge gaping cancerous void that devours any growth made in moderation. I'm All or None, and in most cases, it is none for me, and all for everyone else.
I can't keep giving, when there is so little left of me.
Does anyone understand what it's like to live without, yet expected to Give, until it bleeds?
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You just described my life!
What I want that I can not have is love between my husband and myself as it should have been all along. WHAT, you say!
I would like none of the evil to have happened and NO ONE hurt in our adoptions.
ALL these years and I end up not loved and totally betrayed! I think you can relate.
YEP! He gets it all and I get nothing. He doesn't even know there is nothing left of me and until a month ago, when I just
told him I refuse to give any more and I'd let him know if/when I choose to acknowledge him, I'd let him know. For me it was
a choice. I didn't just throw him away, I pushed him aside. It was such a relief to know I wasn't committing a big sin and yet
it was ok for me to take a break. That's as far as I've gotten.
"Does anyone understand what it's like to live without, yet expected to Give, until it bleeds?"
I sure do, Kerry.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy