Foreign Bodies in a New Family

Isn't it amazing that Adopted and Difficult have become synonymous?

http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=bonding&id=331

How can parents bond with a difficult child?

Last Updated: March 19, 2004

How Can Parents Bond with a "Difficult" Child?

INDIANAPOLIS: Adoptive parenting used to be simpler. Now, many adoptive parents routinely face challenges such as adopting across cultures, adopting children born with HIV or drug addiction, or adopting older children who may be “set in their ways” or who have survived sexual abuse. Along with the "standard" challenges of grief and loss, these issues can interfere with the ability of parents and children to bond in their new families.

Allen is an example of a child with an avoidant attachment to his mother. He was adopted at the age of three, after having spent the first eighteen months with his birthmother and next eighteen months in foster care. His parents agree that Adam liked them better before he thought of them as his parents. Adam, at age five, still seems like a shadow in the family at times. At family birthday parties, he sits a little outside of the circle. He seems to sulk about his outside position, even though it is his choice. He turns away from hugs from his parents, and rarely returns their smiles. When his sisters get hugs, he is jealous. His nostrils flair, his motions get jerky, and he ignores their welcoming comments to come join them. His sister said openly, “Why is Adam always mad? I don’t think that he likes us!” A call to the caseworker resulted in a renewed effort by parents to find ways to show their love to Adam. The effort pays off a little, but Adam seems to have a chip on his shoulder.
“Are all later-placed adoptions like this?” his mother asked. “I can take it if someone will just tell me the truth. I want to be doing everything that I should be doing. Adam is not very happy, but maybe this is as good as it gets.” (Chapter 2)
Now there's a new resource for parents of children who refuse to be parented: Attachment specialist Deborah Gray, M.S.W., M.P.A., has written a highly readable, practical guide for these parents and it's already becoming a classic in the field.
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents, Gray's new book from adoption publisher Perspectives Press, Inc., sold over 2900 copies even before its May, 2002 official release and has received ringing endorsements and created significant buzz in adoption circles (click here to read advance reviews).
Clearly written and filled to the brim with stories of actual parents coping with actual children, the book helps parents identify the specific issues their children face, and learn strategies for integrating these children into loving families and launching them toward successful adulthood. The chapters on grief and trauma will help any adoptive parent understand the loss a child might feel after being repeatedly separated from caregivers and how that separation first from the birth family, and later perhaps from foster care or from friends made in an orphanage creates a resistance to bonding with the adoptive family. Gray sets out clear, effective strategies for working with these children to see the new family not as a betrayal of their previous emotional connection, but as a warm, supportive, nurturing place to love and be loved.

One experienced adoptive mother worried about her boy’s complete lack of eye contact. The therapist suggested a few things, but the idea that she liked best was the chocolate kiss idea. When her boy approached her, with gaze, they both ate a chocolate kiss. He sucked on his, which only stayed melting on his lips while he looked in his mother’s eyes. His gaze tolerance skyrocketed! He sustained gaze after the exercise concluded. Mother became sweet to him. His brown eyes were chocolate to her. She still sneaks chocolates to him.

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Sweet Nothings

One experienced adoptive mother worried about her boy’s complete lack of eye contact. The therapist suggested a few things, but the idea that she liked best was the chocolate kiss idea. When her boy approached her, with gaze, they both ate a chocolate kiss. He sucked on his, which only stayed melting on his lips while he looked in his mother’s eyes. His gaze tolerance skyrocketed! He sustained gaze after the exercise concluded. Mother became sweet to him. His brown eyes were chocolate to her. She still sneaks chocolates to him.

Allow me this twisted perspective based on the Pavlovian Dog example... for the child who knows the Mommy in questioned trust is NOT the Real Natural Mommy, but a Replacement that "will have to do"... is this chocolate treat a reward for Obedience or a gimmick to teach Trust?

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

The fastet way to satiate a crying fussy baby is to breastfeed him for comfort.

Chocolate is toxic to babies and dogs.

The numbers don't add-up

 http://www.ovparent.com/babyguide/stories/adoption.asp

navigating adoption
by Betsy Bethel

With high-profile stars such as Angelina Jolie and Meg Ryan adopting babies last year, adoption has been in the spotlight. While it may be the “cool thing to do” in Hollywood, adoption is an answer to prayer and a miracle for families and children across the country and here in the Ohio Valley.

In 2005, 51,000 children were adopted in America through public agencies, according to the U.S. Children’s Bureau, and that figure has remained fairly steady since 2000. Private and foreign adoptions account for approximately 75,000 more, according to 2001 figures from the Child Welfare Information Gateway. And in any given year, about 125,000 additional children are waiting to be adopted through public agencies, the Children’s Bureau reports.

After the euphoric whirlwind of bringing home baby dies down a bit, new adoptive parents face a host of challenges. They may be dealing with developmental difficulties and other ramifications of the kind of care the child received prior to the adoption. Questions of bonding may arise, and parents may agonize over the issues of whether and how to tell a child he is adopted.

To help adoptive parents navigate through these issues, there are thousands and thousands of resources for adoptive parents, from books to support groups to Web sites. One new book on the subject, “Adoption: Uncharted Waters” takes a look at some extreme cases of what the author, Dr. David Kirschner, calls adoptive child syndrome.

“This is not a cookbook, of course. I don’t have a how-to formula. But the book deals with extreme cases where adoptees get into trouble,” siad Kirschner, a psychologist in Long Island, N.Y. In fact, the book is about adoptees who kill.

“This is a very small subgroup of extreme cases of adoptees. But we learn form the extreme about the normal,” he said.

As his practice grew, Kirschner found a disproportionate number of his clients were children and teenagers who had been adopted. Whether they had personality, behavior or learning problems, Kirschner discovered that adoption “often was the root cause,” he writes in the first chapter of his book, “Adoption: Uncharted Waters” (Juneau Press, 2006).

The explanation, he said during a phone interview, lay in the breaking of the bond between birth mother and newborn.

“The interference of this bond is deeply traumatic to the newborn,” he said. “Understanding the breaking of this bond is essential to understanding the development of children who are adopted or who are otherwise separated from their mothers during the time period immediately following birth,” he said.

According to pediatrician and leading attachment theorist Dr. William Sears, early bonding — such as skin-to-skin contact and meeting a baby’s needs when it cries — helps the baby feel secure and strengthens the attachment between mother and child.

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All these babies being sold...mostly to complete strangers in strange lands... and yet so little is allowed to be spoken freely from those who walked the lonely baby-steps of maternal-removal.  In silence and secrecy, there is room to doubt just how  much Adoption is in the best interest of the child.  The fact that angry adoptees or anti-adoption advocates are banned from Adoption Support websites proves there is strong, supported and networked financial interest in a booming-market of Supply and Demand.

This is the type of support literature readily available to those participating in Open Adoption.

Imagine what help, support and education took place during the Closed Error of Adoption.  Reading the documents I found related to my own case, I shudder at the thought of what ELSE was done... all in the name for "Family".

Here's a sobering thought... We, the babies of Closed-Minded Corruption, are the parents of today's children and young adults.  Is there any wonder why everyone is on (or in need of) anti-depressants and sexual dysfunction medications?

<Bartender???> 

Pound Pup Legacy