The two-sides of a person: what's the real cause?
How familiar does THIS article sound to the male-species?
Perfect Stranger I've discovered terrible things about my new wife. Should I leave her?
Posted Thursday, Feb. 15, 2007, at 7:17 AM ET
I was married a year and a half ago, after a probably too-brief courtship, to a woman who soon after the wedding was diagnosed as bipolar. I later discovered she had a previous history of mental illness that she had concealed from me. I feel as if I'm living with an emotional terrorist—I never know where or when the next bomb is going to go off. She is now on medication and things have gotten better, but better still isn't good. Intimacy, partnership, and equality are no longer real possibilities. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year. Yes, we've tried counseling, and no, nothing improved. My wife is also financially irresponsible and routinely bounces checks. I discovered that she had tens of thousands of dollars in defaulted debt. I know that anyone reading this letter is going to say, "It's been less than two years, you were lied to, get out while you're still sane." But I feel tremendously guilty over the idea of abandoning someone who is mentally ill, and who in all likelihood could not survive on her own financially. Yet I also feel that I can't live the rest of my life trapped like this. I just need an impartial voice to tell me that if I end it, I'm not going to be condemned to hell for needing to move on in order to survive. If you're that voice, please speak up now. If you think I'm evading my responsibilities, please let me know.
You're not going to be condemned to hell—you're already there. Bipolar disorder is a terrible illness, though fortunately it can be treated and controlled. But your wife sounds as if she's a long way from stability, if she will ever get there. At the least, she was obligated to disclose her mental and financial history to you. She didn't, so your marriage began in deceit. You say your survival is at stake here, so the question is not staying or going—it's how you go while doing the least damage to a woman you cared for enough to marry. You should discuss with both a therapist and a lawyer your desire to help her make the transition back to being on her own. And while you're talking to that therapist, try to figure out how you entered into a marriage with a virtual stranger.
I posted this because Secrets tend to ruin an image of relationship-bliss. I know many times hub-man has questioned my sanity... but then, given the nature of my family-history (all signs of Parental care and concern being completely absent in my life), how can it not be said that I am a product of a messed-up environment? All things considered, I'm more sane than I should be!
Nature or Nurture... how much is known about a parent's influence on a child, outside of obvious genetic flaw or mutation? Logic dictates a child learns by parental-example. What if the adoptive mother or father is mentally ill, but undiagnosed/untreated? What happens to that child... that adolecent who CAN'T divorce the parent? What becomes of that adult-child? These are the polarized concerns abused and wrongly placed adoptees/foster kids face.