Pound Pup Legacy

I'm learning that I'm afraid of losing.  Losing more parts of myself to people who don't deserve the person I really am inside.

I'm trying to figure out how my adoption made me so afraid of people, but hungry to please them, anyway.  I want to be kept, and not let go, but so afraid the person who chooses me will hurt me like I always have been before, by the people who said they wanted me and chose me because I was special.  Special turned really bad and ugly and made me different in ways I hated.  Special made me stand-out, and an easy target to be hit or be hurt by the mean hearts of people who didn't like or want me to be special.  Special meant I was singled-out to please someone, whether I wanted to or not.  Special meant everything had to be super, or it was a huge disappointment and failure.  Special meant I had to be everything and more, without the flaws that made me ordinary.  Special meant people would hate me for being special, or for not being special enough.  Special made me different, and I don't like any of those things that made my life so different and difficult that I can't relate to so many people because there was too much pressure to remain special.  

I was special as a child, but a failure as an adult.  I was special in the eyes of some people, some of the time, (when I would really shine and prove how great I could be), but I was overlooked when I needed special attention.  I was greedy or selfish if I needed something, because that made me just like everyone else, and that became the very worst insult in the world.  I was special because I required very little to do so much for people who never appreciated what made me special to myself.  I had to be special, because if I wasn't, I'd be one of them.

I hated them.