the hand I was dealt

I'm now a 43 year old man who for the past 43 years hasn't really been able to figure out why nobody has ever remained a part of my life for any real length of time. I have no friends I'm pretty much a lonner. I've been married once had four kids and what I couldnt figure out is why I couldnt bond with my kids. why was it so easy to walk away. why I'm so cold and desensitised to love. or letting myself be loved. I was adopted at three years old or there abouts. facts were not made very clear to me as none of my past was. I was in a few different foster homes. and then adopted by two of the coldest distant couple you could imagine. Out of the pan into a fire. I also had an adopted sister three years younger. I hate her! My mom liked to beat me with a wooden paddle she had my afather make because she was tired of hurting her hand. and i could see why when she heald one of my arms and as i ran in a circle trying to avoid getting hit  to no avale i could only imagine how much her hand must of gotten sore which is about the only time I heard her say we love you. Sick huh! I didnt find out I was adopted until I was 15 and that was only because one of the cousins had opened there big mouth up. from that point on it was mind fuck game my parents let me play on myself because they refused to answer any of my questions. So here I'am AD'd and i think its just because I hate my family. which did have its affect but wasnt the root of the problem.  gotta get some rest will continue tomorrow