Purpose and Reason
At the end of the last year I was ready to give up. Not kill myself. Just give up. I was sick of how I was feeling, I was hurting proper bad. My eating disorder had come back with a vengeance and I just felt alone and stupid.
I don't think I will ever get over the fact that people who supposedly loved me convinced me 100% that I was borderline schizophrenic rather than be honest with me and also allow me to keep what where in fact memories. I often have to stop and remind myself that I am not nuts and that people are not noticing that I am (hard to explain). Christmas gave me a much needed wake up call. My daughter had asked me what her friend had said when she called at the house few days earlier. I couldn't remember word for word but told her she was going to call again on xmas day.
Ten minutes later my daughter came back in and asked me if I was sure that she had said xmas day. That was it. My head started working over time. Questions, questions, questions. Had she said xmas day or had i imagined it. As quick as I went into 'disguise my panic' mode I was snapped back out of it... By my daughter. 'mum switch ya head off cos ya not mad she probably did say that'.
What a fuck up! My own daughter having to remind me I'm not mad (or ever was). That's just not right. My weight was 6st 1lb I cried more than I smiled and instead of time healing me it was consuming me. Why, What for? A past I can never change.
I know I wont be able to control those lapses in believing in myself over night, God I have lived since I was 16 trying to avoid people from noticing and knowing I was mad , in fact I had done such a good job of it people thought I was really level headed and had my head screwed on! fuck me though I did, I just didn't know it.
However much it hurts sometimes the fact is I will never get justice and I will never have my childhood back,The two things I need. Looking at it like that tells me I am null and void because if there is a purpose to life then my purpose was a red herring and my wounds wont heal till my reason for being and purpose touch. I don't want to be null OR void. I want to be someone. I'm not asking to be any one special, just someone. Me. I just want to be me. Valid.
I'm not going to give up because there is a purpose,guarded by government but a real purpose. My purpose has to be this:- The hope and possibility for healthier and happier minds for today's kids. I want politicians to start waking up and realise what pain they are storing up for our kids and actually listen and hear and above all understand that WE are the living breathing result of their false beliefs and mistakes of the past. Let them try and tell me that my hurt and the hurt of every misplaced, separated abused or mistreated child of their past is not important enough to learn from and to change. My reason:- Validation for all the children that cry inside us.