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Natural v. Expected Talents

Kerry's picture
Fri, 2007-12-14 11:25 - Kerry

Did any adoptees have issues with adoptive parents assuming their hobbies and talents would be your own?

Comments

Fri, 2007-12-14 22:22 — Niels

footsteps

My parents were not really the hobby type of people, so I can't say I was pushed in any direction there. What did play a strong role though was the fact both my parents never had more than primary eduction and really wanted me to do better. Though I never did really bad at school, I wasn't the most enthusiastic student either. That was something my father could not understand. If only he had had the chance... After finishing secondary school I went to a technical university and ended up studying business, something my father had much wanted to do, had he been given the opportunity. I hated it and never finished university.

Sat, 2007-12-15 13:01 — Kerry

Mistakes in their names

You bring an interesting point, because as a parent, it's true I want "better" for my children, but better for them means personal happiness.  I want that to be found for them, by them, and not ruled by me or their father based on a lost dream either one of us had because we missed-out on something in our own lives because of the choices we made for ourselves.

I wonder how many adoptees live according to the mistakes other families have made, and suffer the consequences of failed "success stories" as the end result?

It's sad to think of how many were (and are) expected to fulfill a dream that wasn't theirs, or worse, prove they will not make the same mistakes their parents (all four, in many cases) made, when all they want is to become their own person and discover life on their own terms, like everyone else.  Do you think, because of this, adoptees are more goal-driven and defiant, in some sense?

Sat, 2007-12-15 21:09 — Niels

Goals

I can't speak of other adoptees, but I know there is a core me that I have always been afraid to expose. So as a child I was very much playing the role, whether that was asked of me or not.

I envied other children's freedom around their parents, something I felt I didn't have. Would I have been abandoned as I feared had I shown my true colours? I don't think so, but that fear was always there and went completely unnoticed. Though I was known to be "closed", something my adoptive father was too.

That made my parents had carte blanche with their demands and expectations. They could have any expectation they wanted, I would never protest it, just take it as another known expectation. Not that I would always live up to them, that would have been impossible. Often I would take the expectation as a given, making sure I hid my not living up to it.

In other situations I would maintain expectations that were no longer age appropriate, just because it was once expected of me. On top of that my parents were very pleased with me growing up slow, so that easily enforced my keeping to the expectations.

I believe the whole setup of a child afraid to be "done away" and parents wanting a child "as if it were there own" has in it the pressure to perform. There is something so fundamentally wrong in that dynamics. I see how it reinforced the mistakes my adoptive parents made, because I was afraid to give the feedback I saw most "normal" children give so freely. 

Has that made me more goal-driven and defiant in some sense, I don't really know. I know I can be very goal driven, when I find the excuse I need to ignore all expectations except the one I have set myself to.

Sun, 2007-12-23 18:34 — Kerry

A parent's responsibility

I know for myself, my adoptive dad always told me to "be happy and be myself" when doing things, but I never knew what that meant, as it was also my job to please both my parents, by "being the best".  My goals in activities never revolved around my own personal happiness as much as it was my job to make sure my parents were happy with my results and performances.  After a while, that became the pattern of expectation, one I could not avoid, so pleasing brought no pleasure; it just brought me pressure to measure-up to a standard to which they grew to expect from me.  Perfection has a very high price; one that can't be paid an entire life-time.

My personal opinions or preferences never mattered.  In my house, there was no room for discussion:  What a parent said, went.

For a parent-child relationship, I suppose this teaches the fundamentals of roles and respect, but it left no room for opinion and need for personal expressions that should be valued and respected by all members of a family.  As a parent now, I see how a mother and father are responsible for teaching a child how group dynamics work, so later on in life a child can work with and among a community, based upon the talents he/she brings that community.

Career Builder goes into this topic with a little more depth, giving good examples how natural talent and interests need to be seen as individual calling-cards for each person's future, and not necessarily a parent's lost dream or past going by too fast.