Adoption fatigue and all that...


Sorry not been around

Adoption fatigue, need another subject to think about every now and then. That and loonies trailing me around the internet and the danger of them following me here

Adoption fatigue, anyone else get that? Just want to forget it for a while if you're allowed? Some chance

Had some quite difficult atypical ones on the helpline that have reminded me just how complicated it all is though, especially for those of us thinking more about our natural father's part in it all. Any natural fathers here, lost or found? Mine died in 1982 but he'd been a bit prolific in the fathering game (or sperm donoring as some might have it)

Robin

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Let's open this can of worms

Robin, I'm really glad you brought this up, as it relates to many private discussions I have had with many abused males (adoptees and non-adoptees) I have had, myself. 

I believe this is what most therapists would call an "abandonment issue", one stemming from the seeds that spawned the bastard-child in the first place.  I can't tell you how many men have told me in person or in letters how afraid they are about women and relationships because they fear this legacy from their father(s).  Often times it was the boy who was either used by the mother as the male-replacement-figure in the family, OR, blamed for the loss of the man in her life.  Either way the boy, because of the father's inability to keep his pecker in his own pants, had to pay for his father's sins in ways that was not fair.

Imagine this drama unfolding for an adopted child.

It's this very reason I often wonder IF searching is such a good idea, without some sort of team-support.  What if a child is brought into a home where he or she becomes the patch that fixes a not-so-great marriage, and years later that child wishes to find his original family.  The truth is, that adoptee is doing it because there's that lingering question: "Would I have been better-off left with my mother?"

What happens when a grown adult learns his place in this world meant very little to the man who came inside a woman one time?  How does this affect all future relationships?

Taking after

I can recognize myself in "the boy who was either used by the mother as the male-replacement-figure in the family [...]" and how that lead to my fear to take after my father, even when not by biology then at least by example. And in fact I do take after him in more than I'd ever expected. I have his rationality and to an extent his meekness (though it is unmeek to say so), his fear of women I have too. My ability to keep my pecker in my pants is also I share more with my adoptive than my natural father, whom I never feared to take after though. Or am I in denial somehow?

Repeat performances

What do you fear more?  Being owned or being abandoned?

Active or passive?

That's a good one. First off I tend to add two more options to fears to choose from: "owning" or "abandoning", cause those I probably even fear more than being owned or being abandoned. I was in a relationship feeling owned out of fear to abandon. What was done to me I can't do to another. I fear more to actively do wrong than to be passively done wrong, I believe.

Being owned

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Is there a higher price to pay  to “own yourself” if you're adopted in to your “tribe”?

Robin

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Answering my own question

I certainly feel there was for me, in a sense, I was owned, but I don't know how to compare it to someone who was not adopted and not sure how it's affected my relationships or more recently lack of relationships (and tendency to feel comfortable that way)

Robin

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Alone v. Loneliness

Ownership has a price, especially if it can't or won't be shared (for whatever reason).

For the adoptee, I find it's important we find our own niche, for company and conversation-sake, and that's often found through shared experience, not necessarily  by biology or from name.  For the adoptee, this can become a dangerous bonding process, because incest issues can and do exist if we don't know who our brothers and sisters or mothers and fathers truly are.

owning yourself

Is there a higher price to pay  to “own yourself” if you're adopted in to your “tribe”?

To be adopted means you have to lose something.  That "something" is your family roots, your blood, your biology and all that goes with it.  For many, it's an ethnicity and heritage, maybe even a religion that's different from those you have been brought into.  I think if you know you were adopted, it's harder to be a strong minority than just a black sheep, or "bad seed" in a family that tries to look for uniformity amongs its members.  

I know for myself, looking and acting different from everyone else made me a target.  Being a target forced me to be stronger. 

Does that make sense?

The most important piece of paper I ever read

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The most important piece of paper I ever read

http://homepage.mac.com/harritt/ao/AO.jpg

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http://homepage.mac.com/harritt/ao/AO2.jpg

When I was 9 years old 8 even maybe and no one would tell me what I wanted to know, I broke in to the family document box because I'd always been shuffled away when it was opened. So I thought it would probably contain something I needed to see

It may have saved my life, I think it did, I can only imagine what it's like not knowing at least that much, I'd always known I was adopted I was old when I was adopted at two and half years to remember it, to remember being there in court, if your adopted birth and never told you are adopted or not until you're all grown up, then maybe it's different

It took me nearly another 30 years to ask for it officially and about 15 years to get full story from Barnardo's (or Barnardos for the sake of the search engines)

To me openness and access to records is THE most important thing, snake oil therapy from snake oil therapists after a fast buck doesn't replace that (you know the ones I mean), counselling from 'couldn't really give a damn' social worker counsellors doesn't replace it

Robin Harritt

once known as Gareth Curle

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Pandora's Box

I remember that day of awakening for myself.  Seeing certain documents confirmed to me my instincts were right.  This helped me change the messages I had about myself, especially the negative ones that had me believing I was mean or wrong or crazy for thinking or doing certain things around certain people.  I learned what made me different in one family made me the same in another.  It was definitely a life-altering experience, one that is still changing me.

The problem I see with open access to records is the fall-out truth can, and will, create for the many people who have been lied to and deceived by those promising safe and loving child placement.

I believe that's when and where the damage of lies and secrets bleed into an adoptee's life.

 

Still got my tin-opener on

Still got my tin-opener on the can of worms thing, but that's one for a less public forum

Yes we have to deal with 'fall-out' from secrets and lies, as and when. I don't like to hurt individuals but I'm not quite so fussed about large organisations involved in adoption or any other type of shonky practice connected with child placement, not that I consider myself to be anti-adoption (nor pro) having seen what happened to some of my siblings elsewhere in England's 'Looked After Children' system of the 1950s and 60s and 70s

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Pound Pup Legacy