Pound Pup Legacy

Adoption is wonderful; you can choose the sex of the child!

When she received my picture, she said that she didn’t want a boy (my head was shaved on the picture). She called the adoption agency and told them that she asked for a girl. They replied that it was a girl. She told me she loved me immediately after knowing that I was a girl.

I have two types of friends:  one type thinks and re-thinks everything to death; the other type lives life without doing much heavy thinking because feelings guide their actions.

I'm stuck in the middle, over-thinking my feelings, afraid to do any living that brings me personal happiness.  I have been trained to accept crap as a life-long condition, and as long as I detach from the pain, I'm ok.

I was in my mid-thirties when I first started to hear the soon-to-be reoccurring theme phrase said to me by various new-found friends and strangers:  "You deserve better." 

"Deserve better"?  What does that mean?  Don't we get what we "deserve", simply by earning it, ourselves -- or are there certain allowances within our lives that say we deserve something?

It's taken me almost 40 years to realize what my life-crisis has always been:  I have lost huge pieces of myself to all the adults who have once claimed me.  This is hard-core adoption-stuff, mixed with abuses that should no longer matter (but they DO).  With claim, comes blame...

I've been feeling really stressed lately; this sort of work pays itself not with money, but exposure to more and more pain.  There's no relief from the sad stories I read, so I try to keep my mind focused on what I can do to help change the course of personal demise.

I take walks to de-stress myself. 

I feel the pull... the weight of the strain to keep afloat is no longer a force I want to fight.

Deeper and deeper my thoughts flow and roam

I want to let go (let go!)

Going deep, deeper, deeper still

Let me go Home

To the home I've always known

Let me rest (put me to rest!)

On the floor I have sorely (deeply) missed

Home, blackened home

You welcome me

My sweet solitary Abyss

How many relate to the need to care for someone's emotional wounds, (assuming the nurturing role for those who seem lost or broken) simply because you suffer with abandonment issues, (and have a needy need to be needed)?

Hello,

I finally decided to blog here. I already hold a blogspot but this one will be different.
I will use this blog to talk about me - only me, not others - my personal thoughts about adoption, my questions that I've never asked to my loving-shitty-adoptive-parents, my anger/hurt for being sold to strangers put into adoption to another country, my anger/hurt for being bought adopted, my hurt for being brainwashed assimilated, etc.

For the past few years, I've been really struggling with what would make me feel among the living and happy.  On paper, I have all the qualifying tangibles for "happily ever after", but the missing gaps (like personal intimacy) are so huge, I can't seem to grasp any sense of peaceful closure, acceptance or security for myself.

I am this huge gaping cancerous void that devours any growth made in moderation.  I'm All or None, and in most cases, it is none for me, and all for everyone else.

I can't keep giving, when there is so little left of me.