Boundaries
Dr. Berman on TODAY discussed the elements of cheating, and I had to laugh at the concept of fidelity, in terms understanding life through the eyes of being the child not given the chance to bond with his/her natural family. In order to feel love, it has to be felt and experienced. In order to share love, it has to be experienced by both sides. In order for love to be kept, it has to be valued and treasured above all other things that threaten it's existence.
[Read "Are you sure you're not a cheater?" http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21888608/?GT1=10548]
Singular importance is learned by and through our parents. How is that taught, to a child? Through example, is it not?
How does a child learn the lesson of sexual monogamy if parental ownership can be bought and traded? Where do boundaries and lines of tolerance get drawn if EVERTHING can be lost in terms of names and roles, all because laws of the land mean more than the laws of nature? In terms of the adopted child, how can there be anything BUT confusion: "I have two mothers. One who birthed me and one who claims me. Yep, I'm screwed."
Do 21 century therapists truly understand how deeply the wounds of family separation cut the hearts of children lost to foster-care and adoption? Do they understand when parents can be replaced, partners are expected to be next in line, as well?
"If one gave-up, and another took-over, how long will it take for her to give-up, too?"
Is it any real wonder why relationships are on the rocks as often as they are these days? Back when I was a kid, hardly anyone knew what an adopted child was. Now, we're all coming out of the woodwork. Surely, that MUST be reflecting itself in all sorts of adult relationships in need of repair by now, donchya think?
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Comments
promiscuity vs abstinence
My adoptive father taught me by example to never pay attention to "another" woman, to never be flirtatious, to never mention the name of any women. In that sense I grew up in a very monogamous, yet asexual household. On top of that I do have very strong bounderies, which I attribute to my adoption experience. Something I have noticed in more adoptees. It seems to be rather black and white. Either the boundaries are almost complete and almost nobody will do, or there are almost no bounderies and almost anybody will do. Those two extremes may be more closely related than it looks like. Extreme promiscuity can also be seen as a completely walled off pattern, just as much as complete abstinence.
Relating to relationships
Promiscuity v. abstinence I think is more of a moral characteristic/choice, based on one's life-experience and teaching. I have found those who act towards either extreme do so because their experience has been extreme.
Rape, for instance is the type of an event that makes a person either vow "never again will I allow anyone to touch me again" OR internally state, "from now on, I will be in control over who and what touches my body - so watch out".
Adoption and foster-care, as far as I'm concerned, is just one of those conditions that increases the odds of a stranger touching a mother's child, inappropriately. "The more cooks stirring the pot", (so to speak....) the higher the chance a child could be facing a freak.
This is exactly why I believe honesty and effective communication has to be the basis of any relationship worth keeping. The problem for so many adoptees is simple: SO MUCH of their life history is based on secrets and lies told by adults and strangers. How many of us were relinquished because BOTH parents were dead (or otherwise incapable of caring for their own child) at the time of birth? How many of us were lied to or given excuses, expected to accept "life is difficult", and told, "not all mothers and fathers are able to love and care for their own children"?
In terms of an intimate relationship, what sort of life-expectancy does this create for the growing mind? Is it possible that the relinquished child, like the Pavlovian dog, will always sub-consciously brace for a secret , lie, or betrayal through abandonment?
belief system
In my case, I truly believe adoption fucked-up my entire belief-system. Growing up, I tried to believe my adoptive parents (that they loved me), but what I really wanted most from them was something I believe they would never do in a million years -- bring me back to my family. I wanted to believe my real parents missed me as much as I missed them. I believed, "if only I could be home with my real family, I would be much happier, and not so lonely and afraid".
I also believed I would grow out of these feelings, but things like rape make it much worse and harder to get over the pain and agony of wanting to go home. I believed, at one time, I would have gotten better over time.
I don't know what to believe anymore, other than "home" is not always the safest place to go to, not even for the foster child or adopted person.