exposing the dark side of adoption
Register Log in

Kerry's blog

by Kerry on Sunday, 13 September 2009

Word is out 62 year old living music legend Elton John and his husband "would love" to adopt a 14-month old boy from Ukraine.  Apparently the HIV positive child living in an orphanage won the hearts of both Elton and David  and even managed to change the star's mind about adoption.  [According to news reports, in the the past, the famous musician did not feel his lifestyle of frequent traveling would be fair for a child.]

So... adopting a baby-boy would make the estate a home, especially since Elton seems to be feeling a little off-key.

Elton added that a child could help fill the gap in his life left by the recent death of his long-term keyboardist, Guy Babylon.

“Last week I lost one of my best friends,” he said of Guy, who died of a heart attack at the age of 52. “It broke my heart because he was such a genius and so young and has two wonderful children. What better opportunity to replace someone I lost than to replace him with someone I can give a future to.” 

http://www.accesshollywood.com/elton-john-considering-ukrainian-adoption_article_22864

Will the adoption take place?  That depends on many factors, including.... does Ukraine have an age-requirement for PAP's, and will this rule be honored?  In one report, it states in Ukraine, there must not be more than 45-years age difference between a child and its adoptive parents... and yet another source claims no such age-requirements exist.

One of the reasons many choose international adoption is that some countries have liberal age limits. Older persons, who may find domestic adoption presents too many hurdles due to the age factor, often turn to countries like Mexico, Russia, or Greece where the upper age limit is 60. Other countries, like Ukraine and Venezuela, have no statutory age limit; however, prospective adoptive parents are interviewed and their abilities to parent evaluated.  

http://international.adoption.com/foreign/restrictions-requirements-in-international-adoption.html

My turning-point

public
by Kerry on Thursday, 10 September 2009

London, 2006, the new beginning began.

Oh what a sordid story this is and could have been.  My motives, my wishes, my desires... all that could have transpired.  What was I thinking?  All I wanted was The Great Escape... freedom from a life that was killing me.

Leave it to God and the cosmic jokesters in the world to let my first solo- trip to London become the re-birthing story.. one that placed me among strangers who wanted to send me away.

2006 I was in a miserable state.  It had been over 5 years since I last had sex with a husband I couldn't stomach.  I was on heavy doses of antidepressants and I was taking diet pills -- doing all the things I needed to do to feel better about myself.  I was working part-time at a local store, where the other girls liked to talk about dating, drinking and sex.  I was in my mid-thirties, with four small kids, looking at my life asking:  WTF did I do to myself?

My therapist and friends at the time said I needed to do something for myself.  I was too depressed, and I needed to make significant changes.  After much discussion and reflection, I decided it was time to contact a lawyer and see where my life was going.

by Kerry on Saturday, 05 September 2009

Many years ago, I had many discussions with a first-mother who lost her son, first through adoption, then later to suicide.

Our phone conversations were especially hard because I could hear the sob in her voice.  Her voice sounded like that of a child... yet her words written on adoption forums read like she was a very well-informed profoundly strong woman.  Like me, (at the time), she was a warrior in words, but a weepy child in private.

Many of our discussions revolved around the Catholic Church, and what it would do to unwed pregnant girls during the Closed Era of Adoption.  [See:  Maternity Homes and The Magdalene Laundry

In brief, the girls were told they were sinners (for having sex outside of marriage).  As such, they had to pay for their sins... make a sacrifice... so they could be forgiven.  The sacrifice would be simple:  relinquish your child to someone who has none.. or to those who are "much better".  Theoretically, asking for forgiveness, paying the price for a mistake, doing what the Holy Father suggests would make everything OK.

When First-Mom and I talked, I would think how this religious approach would work in favor for the infertile, too.  In that case, the person burdened with guilt and shame associated with infertility could easily change the situation by admitting a problem (to "the right people"), praying/paying for an answer, and receiving a baby, thanks to the kind generous working people within the church and its extended congregation.

by Kerry on Tuesday, 18 August 2009

I have a confession.  My warped mind is able to take any topic into an adoption issue.  Need proof?  Behold...

Roots of obsession
Sanford told Vogue that male politicians become blinded to how infidelity can poison their personal lives and political careers.

“Politicians become disconnected from the way everyone else lives in the world. I saw that from the very beginning,” said Sanford, who helped run her husband’s Senate and gubernatorial campaigns. “They’ll say they need something, and 10 people want to give it to them. It’s an ego boost, and it’s easy to drink your own Kool-Aid. As a wife, you do your best to keep them grounded, but it’s a real challenge.”

Sanford, who found out about the affair in January, said her husband was “obsessed” with visiting the Argentine divorcee Maria Belen Chapur.

“I have learned that these affairs are almost like an addiction to alcohol or pornography. They just can’t break away from them,” Sanford told Vogue.   [From:  Jenny Sanford: Affair was like ‘punches to gut’]

I cannot help but think my Amother, when she pursued adopted me, has always been little more than a formally battered child obsessed with the idea that she had to get what she wanted, no matter what obstacles got in her way.  In some, that sort of blind determination could be seen as passion and drive.  For myself, I see this sort of person lacking all good senses.

My Amother was the daughter of a wealthy alcoholic.  She was a poor little rich girl who didn't get what she wanted when she was a kid.  Someone had to pay.... even though she had a grandmother and aunt helping and praising her every move.

As the had acquisition, who became yet another grave disappointment in a lifetime of disappointments, I cannot help but think my Amother was addicted to a dream... a dream that was created by her imagination and a dream that revolved around a fantasy... that fantasy being The Ideal... Mother/Wife, Life and Family.  Each time her dream-world began to fall apart, she would reach for her crutch... her prescription pills.  The pills took the pain of disappointment away.  Those multi-colored pills put her in la-la-land.  Her Shangri-la was my living hell.

by Kerry on Tuesday, 04 August 2009

I read something yesterday that caught my eye:

Executions were public spectacles, with the wealthy hiring balconies to get better views, and it did not take much to book yourself a spot at the gallows.  Rough justice - Victorian style

I seem to get triggered by such statements; these triggers put me in moods/phases where I have to see and read all I can about the many different forms of punishment handed-down to criminals throughout the ages.  It's quite fascinating and I sure do learn a lot when I take the time to read what was considered a criminal offense.  For instance, behold the following offences that once plagued good society:

It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance

Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).

Damaging the grass is illegal.   Hey it's Sunday, Let's go Kill a Scotsman! : Archaic British Laws

Although death (putting an end to one's existence) has always been used as a teaching tool and warning for others, punishment and degradation have also been very common, popular ways to teach a lesson in morality:

Fulfilling Needs

public
by Kerry on Tuesday, 14 July 2009

When I was placed for adoption, I was fulfilling the needs of a growing industry rooted in infidelity and infertility.  [For some, this has turned out to be a really sick "Social Service".]

The man and woman who relinquished me needed freedom from accountability and responsibility.  [It is what it is, as I see it.]

The woman/wife who adopted me needed to have a (perfect, smart, loving, affectionate) daughter.  [Her own mother was seen as such a huge failure and disappointment... at least that's how the daughter always saw it.]

The man/husband who helped her adopt me had his own private need:  shut-the-woman-up.  [I can only imagine how much he wanted an end to her constant chronic complaining.]

The family memberS within that adoptive family who used me sexually had their own needs, as well. <silence>

by Kerry on Saturday, 27 June 2009

I read yet another article about the ways in which adoption agencies work WITH certain companies/business to help assist Americans interested in international adoption.

When Deanna S. Kellogg made the decision with her husband, David, to go through an international adoption, their adoption agency suggested looking into benefits offered through the companies they worked for.  [From "Firms step up the adoption time", Casey Farrar, June 27, 2009, http://sentinelsource.com/articles/2009/06/27/business/news/free/id_361416.txt ]

Since her company did NOT offer adoption incentives, she wrote a letter to her newly-employed vice-president, and six months later an adoption benefit for employees was created.  The benefit offers $10,000 to help with adoption costs, AND includes up to two weeks of paid vacation after the adoption.

Later in the article, the adoptive mother of one, (who is on the waiting-list for another child from S. Korea) states:

But without the company program, they probably wouldn’t have decided to adopt again.

“It would have wiped us out, financially,” Kellogg said.

by Kerry on Friday, 26 June 2009

Madonna has been granted all celebrity AP privileges that go with Mercy's adoption from Malawi.

My personal favorite part of the fan-fare welcoming of Mercy into the home(s) of mother Madonna:

Madonna's lawyer, Alan Chinula, said the singer would not personally fetch the child but would send her staff.

"She might leave any time next week, Madonna would not come to collect (Chifundo) but she will travel with her officials," he said.

Chinula said he was going to prepare the child's travel documents to join her new family.

The 50-year-old singer was not in the country to hear the verdict, although she had attended the initial application in April, which was blocked by a lower court on the grounds that she had failed to meet an 18-month residency requirement.

"I am extremely grateful for the Supreme Court's ruling on my application to adopt Mercy James. I am ecstatic. My family and I look forward to sharing our lives with her," Madonna said through her spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg.

From:  "Madonna wins second Malawi adoption on appeal", Felix Mponda, June 12, 2009, http://www.vancouversun.com/life/Madonna+wins+second+Malawi+adoption+appeal/1689370/story.html

Welcome to the family, Mercy... may God, if not Madonna-the-wonder-mother, be with you.

Is it just me?

public
by Kerry on Friday, 19 June 2009

Today marks the third golf-outting hub-man has bequeathed himself, as part of his All June, All (insert name) Father's Day Hommage -- a Hallmark Holiday that seems to require 3 full weekends to celebrate.

Normally, I don't mind such stupid trivial things.... after all, is it not my duty, as "the wife" to encourage the man-in-my-daily-life to take time for "himself"?  Sure, this encouraged down-time does not go both ways... it never did, but this year I find myself getting especially bothered by the idea that the father of my children seems to honor his role as Man and Father so much more than he honors/respects my daily role of Woman and Mother.  OK, I'll be honest, my youngest twin has been sick and I'm tired... REAL tired... and just once I'd like dinner made FOR me so I can nap and watch TV.  This year has been another rough lonely one, but I'm really not allowed to complain.  I'm supposed to be grateful because not many women have "it" as good as I do.  [Or so he keeps telling me... I'm told most men would have left years ago.]

Next year this time, I'm expected to be working full-time (because he will be retired from his job), so maybe we will experience a full-blown Role Reversal, making many things in our lives new and different.  I dunno... I haven't worked in 15 years... what sort of job does a middle-aged SAHM get these days?  Will it be enough to keep a family of 6 going?

But there's more to my litany of complaints.  You see, one of hub-man's golfing/poker buddies is getting divorced.  I don't know the details, but from what I understand, according to the gossiping men-folk, the wife is a real cold bitch -- rumor has it she's always demanding the husband do things with the son with Down's Syndrome, giving little to no time to himself.  [It's a damn shame the man can't get a break.]   It seems as though we house hags ought to be grateful for all that is given when a man impregnates and STAYS, in spite of the many difficulties such a sacrifice brings.  [After all, he could have bailed-out years ago... leaving the woman and two children alone and on her own....]

Father's Day is Sunday.  I will do my duty and pay homage as it IS expected.  I do it because I have four children, and giving until it goes beyond hurting is something I'm used to doing.  I'm just sick of feeling grateful (in that gift-giving sort of way) because someone came, stayed (sorta) and keeps going away when the tough keep going.  Hey, I should count my blessings, at least he's the only parent I have in my life to honor one day out of the year.

by Kerry on Sunday, 17 May 2009

Over the years, I have read and heard many-a-story from birth-mothers and adoptees.... stories that would make your bones chill, your stomach lurch, and your faith in humanity all but escape the realm of all possibility.

I thought I heard and saw the worst of the worst..... and then I'm humbled by the news someone else presents me.

I strongly urge others to read the story of how some mothers are treated, how some children are obtained, and how "Adoption" (and it's "good" name) does NOT bring positive images to my long-suffering brain.

http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/33210

[A big humble broken-but-trying-to-mend hearted THANK YOU to all who have the stomach to find and post this stuff, because I simply cannot will myself to do it.... not yet.]