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Kerry's blog

by Kerry on Wednesday, 12 December 2012

An AP sent me a link to check-out and read.   She warned me:  "get your barf bucked ready".

The December 10th piece,  An Adoptive Parent Won't Take the Blame, written by Motherlode blogger, (Jessica O'Dwyer ), featured on The New York Times, ends with the following conclusion:

I now compare parents who adopted from Guatemala with soldiers who served in Vietnam. Soldiers didn’t cause the war, but they were misled into believing it was just. Because of that, history doesn’t blame the soldier.

It’s time for adoptive parents to stop blaming ourselves.

<dizzying deep-breathing relaxation technique>

What is this AP thinking?

by Kerry on Thursday, 29 November 2012

In March, 2011, standing alone in a Galveston court room, a young father received his punishment for performing a sexual act on his 3 month old son before crushing his crying infant's skull.  Travis Mullis, 24 year old adult abused adoptee, was ordered to death.

At the time of court ruling, his still-living "forever" adoptive mom was living in sunny warm Florida.  She wanted nothing to do with him and the case.

Travis was described as an unfeeling monster.  District Attorney Donna Cameron told the jury, "There is no medication, there is no treatment for the evil that he is."

As I read articles about this case, and Travis Mullis, himself, and his own adoption-story, I thought about what this woman was telling herself and her jury.  "There is no medication; there is no treatment for the evil that he is". 

That evil she is referring to is not a person or a characteristic trait;  that evil is the by product of a care-system so bad, so fraught with self-interest, corruption, oversight and negligence, its problems and unresolved issues have been linked to similar problems found in the US prison system. 

by Kerry on Monday, 13 August 2012

Adoptee Matthew Salesses wrote a wonderful response to adoptive parent Ann Brenoff's article, My Daughter's Baby Picture, featured in the August 8, 2012 edition of Huffington Post. I strongly urge both adoptees and adoptive parents to read Matthew's calm and compassionate words about the journey an adopted "orphan" is launched into once he asks the self-identifying question, "Where do I come from, and what are my roots?"

In brief, "My Daughter's Baby Picture" is an adoptive mother's perspective of search and recovery, as it is experienced when (adoptive) mother and (adopted) child return to the child's birthplace, (or as I like to refer to it, the scene of the crime). It's her version of what takes place in the mind and heart of an adoptee when that 'chosen orphan' is given the opportunity to revisit her own past, and make sense of an entire adoption story and experience. As many of us who have "been there and done that" already know, the quest for peacemaking enlightenment post-adoption-placement may bring more dark complex questions than simplistic answers, especially if the route to discovery was paved and planned by less than ethical members of the international adoption industry.

As mentioned in my own piece, Adoption Myths and Realities, when corrupt, fraudulent adoption practices meet-up with unscrupulous orphanage directors/workers and equally money-motivated government officials, it's not that uncommon for a foreign-born adoptee to learn his or her "home", place of origin, or circumstances surrounding "child abandonment" are just a few of the many mythical mysteries that surround an entire question-filled adoption story.

Enter the adoptee's POV on search, reunion, and what being adopted really means to those seeking good in a less than ideal, chosen situation.

In Matthew Salesses' piece, Answers for Adoptees? An open letter to @HuffPostParents, he wrote,

I can’t say whether meeting one’s birth mother would give real answers—maybe it would. I haven’t been able to find my birth mother, and wouldn’t be able to even if I tried harder. Probably. I was abandoned and found by an orphanage as a baby, where I was raised until I was two-and-a-half. Or so says the orphanage and the adoption agency I came through—though I learned recently (an important lesson), from an adoptee who eventually found her birth family, that these organizations often lie. Or did during the time when I was adopted, in the mid-80s. Maybe things have changed since then. Maybe things are different in China.

Sadly, not much has changed in Adoptionland since I myself was sold through intracountry adoption services, over forty years ago, and I believe adoptions from China offer ample example of how easy it is to dupe the unseasoned AP into believing the poor adoptable orphan child found under a bridge or at the steps of a police station, was in fact abandoned, as claimed. Tragically, in many cases, the story about the healthy thriving orphan "miraculously found" under a bridge or at the steps of a police station is as false and fictitious as the (falsified) birth certificate that goes with it.

It's unfortunate so many PAPs are selectively blind to the shady ways of the adoption market, especially when it comes to falsified and fictionalized birth certificates and other so-called "legal documents" needed to make an adoption plan final. Taking advantage of the emotionally charged nature of the adoption process itself, unethical orphanage directors and government officials familiar with the adoption process will do what it takes to meet the demand of foreign adopters agreeable to added-on fees. In many cases, that demand is healthy children, under the age of five, with no history of sexual abuse. It should come as no surprise, then, that it's almost impossible to tell, immediately, which adoption facilitators are catering to the wants and desires of foreign adoptive parents (who agree to pay exorbitant fees for a child) and which child-care providers are doing all they can to help fulfill the most basic needs of a new foundling/child.

These are important facts and distinctions each foreign PAP ought to consider and remember, especially when they are told by agency reps the birth date of the "abandoned" child, ("chosen" for adoption), had to be guessed and may not be actual.

In fact, in this day and age, any time an agency representative claims an infant or toddler was abandoned and found in a rural town or bustling city, a huge red flag should be raised in the mind of the chosen parent-figure called to adopt (and pay the ever-growing orphanage fees). This is especially true if the little foundling is healthy and free of signs of neglect and abuse. The suggestion here being, there's a good chance the healthiest children "languishing" in an overcrowded orphanage have been kidnapped/stolen, and brought to the orphanage so they may be sold through ICA services.

Impossible to imagine?

Let's consider the many media reports and written articles written about Guizhou Province, in China. This is a region where children have been kidnapped or stolen and then sold through orphanages/adoption services to either more affluent individuals in a more affluent provence, or sold to foreigners seeking to adopt an "abandoned orphan languishing in a dismal orphanage".

Between 2003 and 2005, there were almost no families in Zhenyuan County who had kids out of compliance with the Chinese policy who could afford to pay the fines, which were in the upwards of 40,000 Yuan (US $5,882). Shi said, “If they cannot pay, we will seize their children to compensate for the fines. Once the baby was taken into the welfare home by the birth control office, they remain there indefinitely or until they are adopted.”
Evidence suggests that the seized babies have all been labeled as orphans by the Zhenyuan County Welfare Home. Each child when adopted, usually by a foreign family, leaves at the maintenance cost of $3,000, which adds up to 900,000 yuan income for all the babies adopted.
In Zhenyuan County, Tang Jian, the head of the Bureau of Birth Control Management, Discipline, and Inspection, said during an interview, “We have investigated and found irrefutable evidence that those babies have been forcefully seized from their parents, sent to orphanages, and then adopted by foreign families.”
[From: China Welfare Home Seizes Babies to Put Up For Adoption, 2009]

Similar reports came from Gaopingcounty, Hunan Province in 2010 and LonghuiCounty, Hunan province in 2011.

Since these cases have been proven to be true, both adopters and adoptees of modern-day adoption have good reason to re-think what search and reunion really means in today's Adoptionland... especially if the Motherland happens to be China, or any other country where females have very little value or worth, and an oppressive militant government reigns.

I know if I knew what I know now, back when I tried to get more information about my birth family and adoption story, I would have aborted the search mission, and spent that time and energy working on myself in attempt to heal the wounds a poor adoption placement brings an adoptee.

This is where I need to insert my personal opinion about the APs who decide a young adoptee is emotionally equipped and ready to delve into his or her own adoption history.

There are too many complex legal matters that require AP acknowledgment and attention before any AP decides to jump into a fun visit to the old orphanage and touristy tour of the child's Motherland. Whether adopted, abused, and sexually exploited by one or more members of the adoptive family, or adopted, loved and cherished by all new family members, in either case, when an adoption is rooted in lies, very difficult questions present themselves as more and more disturbing details are revealed and discovered . These unexpected discoveries can easily make even the most emotionally mature and stable adoptee fall to his knees in sadness, loss, grief and even disbelief.  I was in my early 30's when I opened myself to this very emotionally draining journey. I'll be blunt and honest, had I uncovered the lies and half-truths I discovered, when I was 14, and still living under the same roof as my APs, I am almost certain I would have been more aggressive with my suicide attempts made later in life.

And so I find Matthew's written phrase, "I can’t say whether meeting one’s birth mother would give real answers" very haunting and revealing in the sense that many adoptees may say they want to meet their mother, but maybe what they really mean is, they want to learn the truth... the real truth behind their adoption story and family facts, like their previous placement in a given society, and how their own physical appearance made the adoption process either harder or easier for that particular child. [Yes, even us Pound Pups recognize appearances, like physical attractiveness, (or physical deformity), matter and even help determine a child's place in this world.]

Putting aside all the emotional components that go with meeting one's mother after abandonment/relinquishment, or in some cases, a crime, like kidnapping, birth-family meetings are never easy, especially since so many of us now live in a culture that celebrates single-parent adoption, but still shuns and discourages unwed mothers.

Given what we know about corruption within the adoption industry, how can any foreign adopter or adoptee be certain and sure about the validity of documents sent about a healthy "adoptable" child living in an orphanage? Given the unsympathetic and cruel ways some government workers in war-torn regions operate, how can any foreign adopter not suspect a crime was committed against parents, and that crime is what led a wanted and loved child to a so-called "legal" adoption? In this day and age, how can any foreign PAPs look at the photo of their soon-to-be adopted child and not wonder what was done to "their" child and the child's parents, so that child could be sold to an American (or other foreigner)?

With that, when it comes to assisting an adopted child with the filling-in-the-pieces of a broken past, we need to be honest and ask, how many APs are willing to consider the possibility that their adopted child was never abandoned, or neglected, or abused, as imagined, but was in-fact loved and wanted, but kept from his/her own God-given family for reasons that have yet to be discovered? How many AP's, launching themselves and their adopted children into a family search and reunion, are willing to admit international adoption does NOT put the needs and best-interest of each cared-for-child first. ( In fact, if the needs and best interest of children put in-care were served by and through adoption services, PPL would not exist.)

In fact, I think all too often, when it comes to core adoption-issues and making peace with oneself, APs frequently put their own emotional needs and wants before those of the child before them, and I think this point is poignantly made when Ann, in her own words, wrote the following:

by Kerry on Wednesday, 27 June 2012

In my never-ending quest for self-improvement and enlightenment, I found a report titled "Somatic-Experiential Sex Therapy:  A Body-Centered Gestalt Approach to Sexual Concerns", and as I was reading the pages, I found myself -- parts of my own story  -- being explained to readers.

Not literally, of course.

Instead, the clinician's focus and example was based on the sexual dynamics and dysfunctions that develop when the child of a biologically intact family is raised and nurtured (?) by a depressed or sexually inappropriate care-taker.  But I believe many of the same sexual-related fears and anxieties can be repeated in thematic style for the adoptee put in similar dysfunctional (unhealthy) hands.  Stella Resnick, PhD from Los Angeles wrote:

During the first eighteen months of life, it is primarily the right brain of the infant that develops. The right cerebral hemisphere is associated with development of the ability to feel empathy, understand facial expressions, and read non-verbal communication. It is only during the second year of life that the left hemisphere begins to develop, and language becomes a factor.

Attachment always takes place in the context of the baby being held by a warm and intuitive caretaker, usually the mother. Smell, taste, and touch play a significant role. One of the most important interactions takes place through eye contact and in the spirit of play. At about eight weeks, the baby’s intense gaze evokes the mother’s gaze and vocalizations. If the mother allows the child to avert his or her gaze and is available with a direct gaze and an animated face when he or she returns, this brings delight to the child. If the mother is depressed, distracted, and expressionless when the child looks back, or if she is intrusive and demands eye contact when the child looks away, it causes distress in the child. Studies show that the more the mother can allow the infant to disengage and waits for cues to re-engage, the better the infant learns to self-regulate from a high state of sympathetic arousal (stress) to cycle down to a more relaxed state (Schore, 2001a).

Autonomic balance is reflected by a state of quiet alertness. Individuals raised by either a chronically intrusive or a detached parent will have difficulty auto-regulating from high states of arousal, both negative and positive, to a more relaxed state. Individuals with poor attachment histories have been shown to have a limited capacity to deal effectively with stress and to perceive the emotional states of others. Their inability to read facial expressions often leads to a misinterpretation of the intentions of others.

The author continued with another family scenario that can inhibit future intimate relationships:

by Kerry on Monday, 04 June 2012

The other day I was reviewing some articles about gendercide in China, the practice of forced abortion, and child trafficking, and I was thinking how these types of events help create complex adoption issues many foreign born adoptees have to face, especially if one was adopted from a chauvinistic society like India or China. It seems there is a sad irony that exists when foreign social activists fighting for human rights come to America seeking support and assistance from American politicians. While these politicians talk the talk about offering support to the defenseless seeking basic human rights, all too often the two major party lines are found at the root end of the pre-existing plight and problems that are bringing the oppressed to American and her human-right protecting politicians.

Case in point: in the May 18, 2012 article, Why Chen fights, and why U.S. abortion rights supporters should care, readers (and members of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs subcommittee on Africa, Global Health and Human Rights) were given a glimpse into the life of the working class couple living in China. According to activist Mei Shunping:

... she and all other female employees in the textile factory where she worked were subjected to humiliating physical exams to document that they weren’t pregnant; otherwise, under China’s one-child policy, they weren’t paid. And when any woman not approved for childbearing was even suspected of missing a period, co-workers were quick to inform on her, because when one became illegally pregnant, all were punished.
On the worst day of Mei’s life, not only was she physically dragged to the hospital, she said, but she collapsed in pain after complications following the procedure. She had no one to lean on, either, since her husband had been thrown in jail for arguing with the doctors

Typically, in America, the politically correct pro-life stance to an unwanted pregnancy is simple: Abortion is wrong. Choosing life; choosing adoption is the right thing to do.  [Forget measures that ensure Family Preservation; such efforts are too costly, and there's no money or big profit in Family Preservation, like there is in adoption.]

In China, each pregnancy is not equal or the same. In China, only certain types of pregnancies are wanted, making the rest unworthy and unwanted. 

Enter the cost versus the value of an orphanage built in China. [Read:  http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/27751 ]

Enter the amount of money each American adopter gives to China each time an eager and desperate adult with an adoption plan decides it's time to have a child.  [Hint:  it costs more to adopt a child, than to buy a sex slave.]

Enter the role elected US politicians have in congress, and in ICA.  [Voter support matters, especially if one is up for re-election.]

Activists seeking US congressional support and protection, like Mei Shungping, need to be aware:  through natural consequence itself, America's anti-abortion/pro-life movement supports and condones China's One Child Policy.

In fact, America's orphan crusade relies very much on such foreign polices and reproductive restrictions, because American PAPs on a religious-based mission need as many foreign orphans as they can find, collect and take home.  It's this large gathered collection that makes the religious movement work so well for those seeking Higher Approval.   Sadly, the reality is, more orphans equals bigger profits for those working within the adoption industry.  This fact gives good reason to question China's need for ICA when it's as wealthy and as resourceful as it is, and it gives good reason to question USA's self-interest when it comes to involving itself in China's Rid the Female Child Campaign.   Remember, China does not have the economic problems other sending-countries have, like Ethiopia or Nepal have... so does China really need foreign financial aid to help care for it's forced-orphan population?  

Statistically speaking, since the turn of the century, (meaning, since 2000), 62,524 children have been sold to Americans via adoption services. Based on known adoption service fees and known forced orphanage donation costs, one can estimate the profit made by China from the American adoption system alone reaches the 5-10 billion USD mark. But this amount is a low rough guestimate, because much of the profit-making found in adoption "services" is often done via underground networks where unmarked cash is the only acceptable way to reach an objective.  In terms of total export numbers, since 2000, approximately 40,000 additional children have been adopted through foreign adoption programs elsewhere.  It's important to note about 91% of the export population is female

Where does all that money for females go?

Not to forced orphan care, that's certainly clear. 

As Americans spend millions of dollars each year to help China get rid of it's burden of unwanted female children, these same Americans are showing just how harmful and offensive the pro-life (pro-adoption) movement really is for so many women and children outside the United States.

With each child sold through international adoption services and Chinese orphanages, an enormous amount of money is being made... money that would not be seen or coming in if the government decided to close down the adoption option and continued with it's plan with forced abortions on the poor. After all, who wants to buy an aborted fetus?
Meanwhile, many American adopters flying into China to retrieve "a child that is waiting" see the One Child Policy as a very good reason and excuse to adopt from China, as opposed to adopting domestically, from the United States -- or sending aid to poor villagers stripped of their children, because those parents could not afford the government fees.
Making matter worse for those susceptible to forced adoption, there is the American adopter on a religious crusade.  It's as if these radical missionaries believe there are extra God-points if they participate in ICA.  Sure, on paper, it can read as if the American on a mission to remove little girls from China is heavily involved in stopping the slaughtering of the unborn... a bigger  humanitarian effort than helping one's neighbor.  But emotionally speaking, isn't assisting the breaking of the bond between mother and child, (a bond created by God), similar to terminating a pregnancy?
When looking at the facts behind corrupt ICA practices, Americans willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars in China for a young child are sending social activists tired of China's regime the following three messages, all at once:
  1. American adopters support the oppression of the poor by maintaining a demand for more "adoptable" orphans.
  2. American adopters show a measure of agreement with misogynists by providing a profit-making route that enables the people of China to get rid of thousands of unwanted female babies.  In other words, American adopters are providing a reward-system for those who maintain females are inferior and women do not deserve the same rights as men.
  3. American adopters, through their actions, say yes to the belief that only those with relative wealth deserve to have children; the more money one has, the more children that person deserves.

In my book, this collection of mixed messaging, coming from "socially conscious and sensitive" Americans, no less, illustrates just how embarrassingly myopic, incredibly self-serving and terribly ill-informed and misguided the modern-day American adopter-on-a-mission to save a child in China really is.

With all the excitement that goes with getting what is wanted, I doubt any of these child-seeking Americans find themselves thinking about the ways in which their decision to adopt from an oppressive society affects a specific group of people, like the working class or the poor. At the eleventh hour of a foreign adoption plan, how many excited parents-to-be are thinking about world history, what it means to be an American and what fleeing to America really means to and for so many people? Adopters fail to see how their freedom in choice - their Americanism - has put a profound burden and risk to those who fit among the poor and the working class -- the people who economically speaking, will never own a slice of the American Dream.   

One of the biggest arguments made to defend the pro-life pro-adoption movement is the belief that forced abortion is cruel and brings with it health risks and dangers to the mother.  The same applies to those forced to relinquish so a child can be sold through adoption.

Advocates for ICA need to recognize forced adoption damages the lives of the mother and child, and anyone else in the family that is given very limited choices and options, due to poverty.  Forced adoption not only hurts the parents, forced adoption also hurts and harms the child, putting that child at high risk for illness and injury.  Forced placement for adoption requires all obtained children must be living in an orphanage for X amount of time. How many very young children are put in dangerous over-crowded institutions, all so foreigners can feel good about saving a child's life through ICA? How many healthy children become sick because orphan-care is so poor and foreign adoption is such a lucrative business? How many children living in an orphanage have been raped, or rented out to pedophiles?  As I see it, there is more extensive and prolonged suffering and damage done to an entire family after a forced adoption plan than a forced abortion plan. Whether the loss of a child and family is done via kidnapping or abduction, or through forced labor and delivery, the pain mother, father and child experience is very real and the effects of that associated stress brings it's own list of future health risks and dangers. 

With this perspective in mind, I find myself cringing in discomfort when I see "proud" American adopters celebrating China and Chinese traditions with their China-born daughters... girls who were taken or left, and put away in an orphanage for future sale. I shrink in phantom pain as the happy transracial family celebrates various Chinese traditions, complete with authentic appearing decorative dress. I find myself wondering... does Operation Happy Chinese Heritage include factual information about the force used by Chinese officials?  Does educating the adoptee include teaching the way in which females are seen and treated in that given society?  How knowledgeable are American adopters when it comes to knowing and understanding the ever-lasting effects forced child placement has on the original parents, and the adoptee, as well?   

I wonder if the truth about man playing the role of God, and the practice of making money through the misery of others, is too upsetting for the American adopter who wants to believe their actions are in the best interest of a child.

APs of foreign born adoptees have to remember, the modern-day adoptee doing his or her own personal adoption research is not limited like the researching adoptee was 30 years ago. When the modern-day adoptee wants to learn more about a country and it's social history, that person will turn to the internet and not be limited to the information found in the books that get distributed to schools and public libraries, or supplied by family of friends. Adoptees have all sorts of private support groups and networks filled with cyber-friends and they are privy to an enormous amount of information adoptees from the era of closed adoption never had, or dreamed about. I would not be surprised if today's foreign born adoptee knows much more about their country of origin and the adoption process itself than the adoptive parents who claim they did exhaustive research about their sending country.  With this in mind, American adoptees born in China may not like the way in which America got involved in, and benefited from China's One Child Policy.  

Speaking of not liking what I see, an uneasiness felt by an adoptee leads me to something else adoptees can find on the internet: adoptive parent blogs.

Today's proud American APs blogging and bragging about their little ICA angels have to realize their little girls from China are going to be the older daughters and women who one day will be asking questions like, "Didn't you, (the AP), do some research about China's adoption program before you participated in it? Didn't you, (the second-parent who paid enormous fees for a child), read about the way so many children were kidnapped and stolen from first parents, all for the demanding adoption market? Didn't you, (the driven and determined parent-wanna-be), think there was something wrong about the way in which the poor in China were treated, all so the Chinese government could get rid of a large percentage of it's female population - and make a lot of money for doing so?  Wasn't there any other way to send financial aid to poor parents, so those parents would not be forced to lose any or all of their children?" 

Or do APs have a difficult time finding information about that sort of stuff? 

<adoptee waits for AP response....> 

Here's what the adoptee will know, and not always share with the adoptive parent(s): When paying so much for an unwanted girl in China, APs are making the threat of forced abortions even more confusing because not every adoptive home is loving, safe, and nurturing.  [See: cases of child abuse in American adoptive homes]. In addition, to make matters worse, nothing makes the torturing of women more insulting than knowing people are getting paid and praised to do this torturing.  THIS is how some are earning their living.  There is rampant reproductive exploitation in one of America's biggest adoption exporting resources, and American women who are adopting from China are saying nothing about this crime against humanity.  How and what is an adoptee to think or feel?  

I find world history very interesting because in the whole big scheme of things, human behavior really doesn't change all that much. If it did, we wouldn't see history repeat itself over and over again. Whether we are in the 17th or the 21st century, bullies will bully; thieves and hostage takers will make threats; and the oppressed will either die and go away, or they will fight, and become heroes and leaders for the next generation.

As far as I'm concerned, the relationship between China and the USA is both logical and insane, and ICA only makes that relationship all the more complex. I think it will be interesting to see what, if anything, will happen to China's One Child Policy and  ICA child export program once the oppressed finally decide they have had enough, and they are ready to fight a good fight. I think such a battle will be scary to see, as well. After all, if women are tortured for carrying an unwanted child, what sort of harmful threats will be made to those who want to put and end to the era of amoral adoption?

by Kerry on Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Lately, I have been exchanging emails with an Amother and an adult adoptee, and as strange as it may sound, while each has very different stories related to very different phases in life, both seem to be sharing the same problem: they don't know what to do when the walls go up, and the barriers surround.

I find myself in the precarious position of knowing some of the whys, the hows and the what-not-to-do's when it comes to learning how to bridge the gap from scared little bear, to caring and capable warm human being.

The following is a story from my own life-experience written to the adoptee, hoping the story would help illustrate how stress and fear can affect someone, and what can happen when one feels trapped and unsafe. For many of us abused and abandoned adoptees, we need to know and understand there are times, places, and circumstances under which it's ok to let the caring helping-hand in... so it can work it's magic.

The story begins:

Last year, I was working mainly on the floor where patients with Alzheimer's and dementia wentto live the rest of their lives, and die.

For the most part, I was very emotionally removed from everyone, but out of the almost 60 patients, there were maybe 2 or 3 I really liked because they were really cute... like old man cute. One of my favorite cuties was a woman, I will refer to as Mary.

Mary reminded me of a little bird --and while I normally don't like birds, (ok, truthfully, I fear and hate almost all of them...) she was the sort of cute little bird that has small puffy little feathers and would sit on her perch, and do nothing, but look around and look real cute.

Now in the past, I never really cared for women, as people or patients. Having a mother like my Amother established a dislike and mistrust towards others... the sort of feelings/mind-set and conditioned association that would not go away.

But Mary was different.

Because I work the night shift, I'd get these people while they were sleeping... and while most Alzheimer patients will get their days and nights confused, for the most part, the majority of the time,almost all the patients on this particular floor would sleep the whole night, uninterrupted, because they were given sleeping pills.

I could tell Mary was deteriorating because the nightmares kicked-in.

She'd sit up straight, in her fluffy bed, (family members brought in really soft cute blankets for her, so it looked like she was in a nest when she was in bed), and she'd scream.

That's when I realized what made Mary different.

When Mary got scared, she didn't yell out "MOM!" or a spouses name, like most patients do... she'd scream "DAD!".

There was something so sweet and sad that her childish basic instinct reverted back to calling out for her dad when she was scared and wanted/needed help. The regression seen in patients is normal and common, but many times unresolved issues will come out, too....especially if the person was ever raped, tortured/abused earlier in life. This is what makes my job so nuts and crazy, because we get a lot of former military men who were POWs, or women who lost/killed their babies/children. It's very very sad and disturbing stuff...anyway....

As one who has been left alone to endure many surgeries and many difficult medical situations in my own life, I know and remember just how critically important it is- or can be - to feel someone's hand, telling me I was going to be ok. The human need for touch and comfort is a need, and I think, most people forget this basic human need, until they themselves are in the sort of situation where they fear what's coming next, and feel that sensation that lifeor death is looming like a blanket.

In the past,, if I knew a patient was really scared or stressed, I would do what most nurses I've worked with DON'T do.... I'd stay and hold one hand, and use my other hand to stroke the patient's arm or back until the patient told me it was time to let go. [I like them having that control, since there is little else they can control in the sort of crisis situation I'm talking about.] The reaction to me and my offer,to this day, is almost always immediate and intense and the same: the average patient will grip my hand, like a vice and that vice-grip would stay until a sense of more calm would penetrate and take-over.Only then, when calm took-over, would the vice grip become less tight,and finally it would loosen enough so I can take my own hand back,usually sore and wet. Others, the more stubborn, angry bears as I would call them, would ignore my touch for a bit, then slowly realize my hand wasn't moving... that it'd be ok to hold it.... and then they'd slowly hold, then squeeze. <tears>.... those scared angry bear squeezes are my favorites. It's as if after the traumatic event,it was made clear we both speak the same language.

Well, one night, Mary was having a very bad time; her condition was quickly deteriorating, and she was ordered to have morphine every 2hours for pain or difficulty in breathing.

It broke my heart seeing my little Mary in this deteriorated state. That wasn't my Mary. My Mary used to be perched in her little nest at the way end of the hall. She did not need to be seated in a specialized wheel chair that reclines, right next to the nurse's station, so her behaviors could be more closely monitored. This new Mary looked frail and old.... even a little mean. I didn't like this new Mary. So once she seemed to settle down, I asked one of my nursing assistants to put her back to bed, that way she could be more comfy, and maybe sleep.

Mary was in bed for about five minutes before she yelled out,"DAD! DAD!". Of course I was nearby, because I kept checking-in, so I went in her room and sure enough, there was poor cute Mary, sitting-up, scared.

I did something I NEVER do.....

I sat on the bed with her, and at first I tried to stroke her arm, but I found myself wrapping my arms around her,instead, like she were the child, and I were the mom she didn't call for, but most likely needed.

My God, she was like a little child.... sobbing, scared... so afraid of something. Everything about her exhibited a state of fear and terror.

So I did something else I would never do to a stranger, but have done to my own kids -- I used the back of my fingers, and stroked her cheek and face. She didn't know if she should hold onto my body or squeeze my hands into her face, like people do when they take a persons hand and hold it against their cheek.

At first it felt really creepy touching her in such an intimate way.... but my touch calmed her, and soon she was able to relax enough to sit back, lay-down, and get snug in her bed. I think at one point, I even kissed her, and nuzzled my face into her cheek so she could feel me... feel the warmth... feel the safety that someone was near, someone was watching,someone was going to take care of her, and she'd be ok.

I spent maybe 45 minutes with her, which by any institutional standard, is a lot, especially when my job requirements [the tedious bureaucratic BS we have to do each shift] are very time consuming and almost endless. I had few problems with Mary the rest of the night,and when she did call-out, she called while she was still lying down,and because my voice and touch were already familiar, it took less time for her to relax and feel reassured. I made it a point to always whisper mommy-sort of things in her ear, and give her a kiss.... then she'd say "thank you!" in her cute little cheerful chirp.Damn she was cute... and I was so glad she could calm down and rest.... she needed the sleep.... she was exhausted, and it showed in every way. It made me feel good knowing I gave her what she needed,when she needed it.

As I write this, I recognize my own adoption/abuse issues, and how they have manifested their way into my actions and emotions, especially when I'm feeling angry, hurt, or upset. I recognize how often I would not let anyone offer me a hug,because I saw such actions as so transient and superficial. I hate superficial. I hate when seemingly sincere acts become insincere, and the battle for control begins.

For a while, as they saw me in Mary's room, on her bed, my nurses' aids thought I was nuts,spending so much time on one single patient, when there were so many on the floor. But it became very clear, once they saw the results,from that point on, they never questioned me or my mind-set if I told them to do something out of the ordinary. They knew in that milieu, I knew what I was doing for whom.

While I myself am still earning the way real authentic caring intimacy works from the receiving-end.... it's still all so new to me... I have learned, so far, this "new" type of intimacy... it feels good... it feels nicer and sweeter than sex.... it simply feeds the heart and soul.... something I feel very deficient in. I've learned, sometimes words are not enough... sometimes, with the right person, whoever somehow reaches and touches me in a way that few really can, it's ok to break the lines and barriers I know I myself have put up and maintained. It's not easy trusting in another...not when so many decide they've had enough, or feel too burdened by my pain and needs.

The information I wanted to share with this adult adoptee continued:

by Kerry on Sunday, 13 May 2012

Last year, I wrote Adapting to Mother's Day, After Adoption,  a piece that introduces readers to the heartbreak some must endure when one person's loss becomes some other person's gain, thanks to illegal unethical adoption practices - found throughout Adoptionland.  I reached the conclusion that children kidnapped and forced into an adoption plan should not be expected to celebrate Mother's Day.  Given all that can transpire between and through the hands of corrupt doctors, lawyers, judges, and adoption/orphanage agency directors, when it comes to Mother's Day, what exactly would that adoptee and the adoptive parents be celebrating?

On this day, I am reminded of the scores of women in China who are put through forced abortions and adoptions, thanks to a government's One Child Policy.  [For more, visit the website:  All Girls Allowed ]

On this day, I am reminded of the misguided mission of misogynists in regions like India, where the ridding of females through forced abortions and adoptions may, in the minds of true women-haters, bring a sense of utopia. [ Read:   ‘All Those Little Faces’: Elizabeth Vargas Explores India’s ‘Gendercide’ ]  I find this most ironic since much money can be made in India through both the adoption industry, AND surrogacy.... two very profitable businesses that require one of the world's greatest natural resource:  the woman's body. 

According to the bible I've been reading since I was little, an all male society is not at all as God Planned or wanted for Himself or others.  Then again, the bible I read teaches not to envy, steal, or covet what belongs to another... greedy self-serving actions and behaviors often seen behind-the-scenes of media's more pro-adoption version of Adoptionland.

On this Mother's Day day, I am reminded of articles that feature the role of money and politics in every day decisions, especially if one is on a fixed/limited income and learns (ready or not) there is going to be a new mouth to feed in less than 10 months.  After reading articles like, Arizona Bans Funding for Planned Parenthood, Organizations That Perform Abortions, and Top Executives Quit Komen After Planned Parenthood Controversy,  I am reminded of the limited reproductive rights of women, the lengths some ultra-religious groups will go to maintain a pro-life veneer, and the ridiculous high cost of health insurance, doctor visits, prescription medications and various diagnostic tests, and how this toxic mix makes quality women's health-care cost-prohibitive for many... too many.  [I have to remind myself medicine and health-care IS a business... a very profit-centric one.] 

by Kerry on Sunday, 08 January 2012

I've decided to go public with some personal information about myself because the topic I've been discussing in private has touched many aspects of my life, including PPL.

I'm going through some difficult times in a few personal relationships.  This is not new for me; maintaining a close (loving?) relationship has always been difficult for me.  But long breaks, caused by normal every day events, like work or school, have made me keenly awareness of an odd inability in me, a characteristic I'd like to change.

But first, let me clarify.  I'm no foreigner to long-term relationships.  In fact, I seem to specialize in the more dysfunctional and toxic types there are out there.  Need a loyal enabler?  Need a silent doormat?  Need an emotional punching bag?  Want only a long-distance relationship?   I'm you're girl.  I'm sensitive and loyal, but impervious to the effects of neglect and deprivation.  I'm great when doing without... I'm great because I rarely say a thing that would cause termination.  [I'm too busy decompressing in my own Abyss.]  And if I do say something so mean cruel or horrible, (to prove there  is nothing left to salvage in the relationship), there will be no painful afterthought once the severing of all ties has been completed.  That's a promise.

But for me to keep a Keeper,  a person who needs to go away, and take care of a few responsibilities, without me? 

I panic.  Correction.  I shut-down, and the wall-building begins.

by Kerry on Monday, 02 January 2012

This morning I read a very disturbing ad, brought to readers through Oregon Faith Report and the fine folks at Holt, Int.

Ian (name changed) entered institutional care when he was 4 years old, in May of 2002. A healthy boy with a “sunny” disposition, Ian was also rather quiet upon admission and tended to stand back and observe his surroundings. At the institute, caregivers quickly enrolled him in a program to help him adjust to his new environment. Here, he got along well with his classmates, and quickly became more talkative and active in the group. The following year, he began primary school near his home at the child welfare institute. He became a diligent student who listened well, eagerly answered questions in class, and regularly completed his homework after school. His teachers all liked him a great deal.

Keep in mind, "Ian", is in China... land of the One Child Policy, and where males carry more worth and value than females, especially when it comes to domestic adoption.

After five years in the institute, Ian went to live with a foster family in July of 2007. Then 9, Ian developed a loving bond with this family, in whose care he continued to grow strong and healthy. He developed a taste for spicy food, honed his basketball skills, and became interested in computer games and remote control toys, as well as drawing and playing the guitar. Described as bright and extroverted, Ian has many friends. His foster mom describes him as “sensible and good.”

So far "Ian" represents a success story:  he has bonded with those acting as his parents and appears to have a few workable talents. 

by Kerry on Friday, 11 November 2011

This is the rhetorical question I read on page 26 of Erin Siegal's book, Finding Fernanda.  This question was asked by a real (non-fictional) mother.  I found myself unable to read much further, as the answer to this question made me wonder how many times religion was used to excuse corrupt behavior.

I started reading Finding Fernanda this morning, but I had to stop when I reached page 30.  I had to discuss this story-line with others, as I recognized many of the too-frequent trends that still exist thanks to "desperate" adopters, baby-brokers, adoption facilitators, and unethical adoption lawyers still lurking in Adoptionland.  You see, Guatemala is NOT like Las Vegas... where what happens there, stays there.  Guatemala represents all that happens in almost every out-sending country that involves itself with ICA when an unstable corrupt government rules.  Guatemala examples a slice of life when the only thing valued about a woman is found between her legs.  Guatemala represents a pattern that has yet to change, universally, in Adoptionland.

While I myself am not finished reading Siegal's, book, (I admit, I have too many kids, and too many daily distractions), I am not at all surprised to see how quickly critics have condemned Erin's words and efforts.  Most popular complaint, of course, is ,"...how about mentioning the hundreds adoptions that are NOT fraudulent?"   (Those who criticize the critics  are adamant about repeating their positive message, over and over and over again, as if reclaiming the positive is going to erase all the negative and create the change that is still very much needed.)

In Huffington Post, I read the anti-critical comments written by "sjbj", and I actually laughed at the ironic suggestion offered by one who shows a moral concern about the profiting off the misery and losses of others:

There is nothing new in this book. All of the information has been available on web sites and on various internet fora for the past 5-10 years. Anyone who wanted to know about this could have found out, if they were interested­.

The case of Ms. Rodriguez and Anyeli has been in the news as well, for years. The AP in fact has covered the story.

This book is a way for someone to profit off of a very real human tragedy. If the point is to shed light on a very important issue and actually DO something, how about donating the profits to Sobrevivie­ntes?