tina's blog

The sun went in

the clouds came out

GONE.....

I heard the silence shout

I lay on the beech

I closed my eyes

the whistling wind

carried my cries

Along the shore

footprints in sand

I drift back in time

we're hand in hand

Alone though I stand

breeze through my hair

In my memories mind

I know you are there

As time goes by

your face I still see..

whenever your sister

smiles at me.

I have  been at PPL for a week now, still can't find my way around but hey, I never did have any sense of direction!  I thought I would share my rambling thoughts with everyone. Firstly, I love it here.  All  the members are as unique as the site is diverse. Everyone has their own experiences when it comes to issues of adoption and  many different view points.  For most of us the scars from adoption are as raw as could be. Inside I frequently cry for my inner child that got lost somewhere between letting go and moving forward. Floating in limbo, surfacing every now and again to shatter my head and  remind me all over again of the hurt and loneliness I tried to forget.  I doubt very much that I am alone with those feelings.

Adoption should be scrapped! If only. Forget the word adoption just for a moment (before any one pounces, I said forget the word adoption not forget adoption) If  adoption was scrapped  tomorrow what is there to replace it? All children deserve the love and security of a family, keeping it real though, not all children are ripped from their mothers arms or torn limb by limb from family. families break down, parents die, extended families don't always exist, and guess what, some mothers don't want to bring up their child! What then. I don't have the answers (god I wish I did) I only have opinions, my opinions.

I am a mum and would never willingly part with my kids. That is how I feel and I cant help how I feel. If a mother genuinely doesn't want to bring up her child, she cant help it, it is just how she feels. No amount of persuasion could change my mind about parting from my kids just like no amount of encouragement and offers of support would make a mother who genuinely doesn't want her child suddenly change her mind. Not because she is a bad person but because she cant help how she feels. None of us can help how we feel, but we can help who we hurt along the way. So what is there in place now for these kids. I know this has been a topic here lately but fear of having my head chewed off and spat out stopped me from posting to it. Not only do we all have our own experiences we also live in various countries with varying adoption laws. We do though all have one thing in common, we are here. Every single person here recognizes the need for changes We all have two important things. Hope and opinions. We need to hold on to our hope and share our opinions. We wont all agree with each other but  we can  listen to each other and get a better all round understanding of this adoption shit. We are all on the same side and we all want change.

There my ramblings are over! feel free to attack, but gently!

I admit I was already a horrible little brat even before I wore the adoption badge. That day was no different. I had been playing skipping with the other kids from my class and one of my friends tripped me up. In retaliation (ok, so it wasn't really retaliation!) I bit her on the leg, leaving huge teeth marks. Her parents went berserk demanding that I be removed from the school(excellent! ha ha). The head master apparently told the parents that I behaved like that because I was adopted! Huh, not sure how he knew. Anyway the next day the bitten leg and a few others kept singing chirp a chirpy cheep cheep to me. for those of you who don't remember it, it was a naff song that went 'chirpy chirpy cheep cheep' where's ya momma gone, where's ya momma gone' You get the drift. Then came the questions. What was it like being adopted, why didn't my mum want me etc. etc. At some point that day the headmaster must of heard about it and called me to his office.

As hard as I try I can not remember what I was told in school but I do remember what happened at home. I had ran home dead excited, yeah I was adopted! I had lost the thread of what it meant but it was still exciting. My amum was out when I got in but my adad was their. Dad, dad I'm adopted, I'm adopted. I don't really know what he said or if I even listened to him, I just know I was running round the house like a loony shouting I was adopted. When my amum came home I ran downstairs to tell her (must of thought she didn't know lol). Crack! I can still feel the slap now. I was a selfish little bastard. They had saved me from the gutter, I should be ashamed not shouting it for the world to know. What was the point of them keeping me if every one knew I wasn't theirs. Things were never the same again.

This is for you

the mother who lied,

who cradled a glass

Instead of your child.

You ask me to forgive

Something is missing

It’s not in my mind

Do you ever think of me?

Do you really care?

With every waking memory

I see your evil stare

You saw me as an object

Another door
Another bed
Papers to shuffle
Go rest your head

Another day
Another place
Another child
A different face

Long-term short term
Hard to place
Forget the name
Another case

Targets budgets
Paid to cope
Another home
Give words of hope

Childhood lives
Lost in wait
Reasons for change
In the welfare state

Here you go Kerry, couldnt resist it! dont say i never give you anything!