At the end of the last year I was ready to give up. Not kill myself. Just give up. I was sick of how I was feeling, I was hurting proper bad. My eating disorder had come back with a vengeance and I just felt alone and stupid.
I don't think I will ever get over the fact that people who supposedly loved me convinced me 100% that I was borderline schizophrenic rather than be honest with me and also allow me to keep what where in fact memories. I often have to stop and remind myself that I am not nuts and that people are not noticing that I am (hard to explain). Christmas gave me a much needed wake up call. My daughter had asked me what her friend had said when she called at the house few days earlier. I couldn't remember word for word but told her she was going to call again on xmas day.
Ten minutes later my daughter came back in and asked me if I was sure that she had said xmas day. That was it. My head started working over time. Questions, questions, questions. Had she said xmas day or had i imagined it. As quick as I went into 'disguise my panic' mode I was snapped back out of it... By my daughter. 'mum switch ya head off cos ya not mad she probably did say that'.
What a fuck up! My own daughter having to remind me I'm not mad (or ever was). That's just not right. My weight was 6st 1lb I cried more than I smiled and instead of time healing me it was consuming me. Why, What for? A past I can never change.
I know I wont be able to control those lapses in believing in myself over night, God I have lived since I was 16 trying to avoid people from noticing and knowing I was mad , in fact I had done such a good job of it people thought I was really level headed and had my head screwed on! fuck me though I did, I just didn't know it.