clay1's blog

I guess i never could get my head around that family. I started useing drugs at 16 and havent stopped sence. It keeps me numb. because At least that way I have an excuse for the numbness. But everything and everyone who has ever come into my life has either walked away or was let go,stollen,lost or forgotten. Not like I cared. But at the time I thought I was just a bitter kid, pissed off at the world. When it went deeper than that. I had no idea up until recently that i was only acting as anyone else left to his own by the one person you would think would always have your back. But I have never found my bparents but then again never really looked. and whats a trip is as much as it hurts and as much as I wish i knew the answers to the questions I had. something keeps me from following threw with it. Guess maybe I've just settled with, ' this is what it is' and nothing is going to change the fact that I was fukd from the get go. That dieing alone is my reality because now I know where it steems from i just dont want to 1 bring my fucked up outlook on life into another persons life only to watch them walk away. Not that i blame them. but because  I just dont seem to have any luck finding a therapist that deals with attachment disorders in adults. And cant afford to pay for those retreat things. I guess solitude is what I need to get used to. I just lost the woman I could of lived the rest of my life with but as history repeats itself , I fucked that up as well. One good thing, cant feel any more hollower. You know why is it our responsability to pay for this shit when the state brought it on. I dont remember asking for this horseshit.  So if any of you have any ideas because I'm about at the end of my rope.

.

I'm now a 43 year old man who for the past 43 years hasn't really been able to figure out why nobody has ever remained a part of my life for any real length of time. I have no friends I'm pretty much a lonner. I've been married once had four kids and what I couldnt figure out is why I couldnt bond with my kids. why was it so easy to walk away. why I'm so cold and desensitised to love. or letting myself be loved. I was adopted at three years old or there abouts. facts were not made very clear to me as none of my past was. I was in a few different foster homes. and then adopted by two of the coldest distant couple you could imagine. Out of the pan into a fire. I also had an adopted sister three years younger. I hate her! My mom liked to beat me with a wooden paddle she had my afather make because she was tired of hurting her hand. and i could see why when she heald one of my arms and as i ran in a circle trying to avoid getting hit  to no avale i could only imagine how much her hand must of gotten sore which is about the only time I heard her say we love you. Sick huh! I didnt find out I was adopted until I was 15 and that was only because one of the cousins had opened there big mouth up. from that point on it was mind fuck game my parents let me play on myself because they refused to answer any of my questions. So here I'am AD'd and i think its just because I hate my family. which did have its affect but wasnt the root of the problem.  gotta get some rest will continue tomorrow