Baby Girl Mona's blog

Have any of adoptee’s ever had an adoptive family member or as in my case a step-adoptive family member use the sick perverted Eugenic theory to encourage others to think badly about you?

Is my case unique?

When my AP’s divorced after 13 yrs my AM remarried, before the ink dried on the divorce papers, to one of the most controlling, diabolically cruel man who for the next 35 years stopped at nothing to keep me away from my AM and her family. He did not just hurt me in the process but in the end denied my children a grandmother and came close to causing them to be removed from my life as well.

For the life of me, I could never figure out why this man hated me so much. Examples as to how he showed his hate,

1. Refused to allow my mother help me when my newborn daughter developed colic using the excuse “You had her, you take care of her.”
2. He made it impossible for me or my children to visit my AM even during the holidays. When I called to ask to, they were always too busy or had other plans. No invites from other AF dried up shortly after my daughter’s birth as they became too busy or had other plans. I would learn years later this man had a big part in their decision to treat us this way.
3. When I became pregnant with my son he and my AM came to see me. Their motive was to insist that since my husband and I had separated, I should make plans to place this unborn child up for adoption.  I refused.
4. When I was released with an Honorable discharge from the USAF 2 yrs later, CPS became a monthly visitor after I moved back to my hometown.  After the 10th visit, even the case worker became tied of the whole situation. She even went so far as to hint if I moved and told no one where I lived her even her life would be more pleasant.  
5. I lived in the same small town as my AM for 3 yrs while working full time, and attending college but  she never was able to see the inside of my home the whole time. Every time I invited her, he would have something else planned. I would drive by their house and they were always home.  If I called, the machine would always pick up. No explanation would ever be given.
6. When CPS didn’t so what he wanted, take away my children, he even tried to get their father to take them from me, my ex refused.

Some Final Notes

Flexibility and a sense of humor are vital characteristics when raising children and they can come in handy during the home study as well. For instance, if you have the flexibility in your job and are willing to take off an hour early to meet with the social worker or to modify your schedule in some other way to make the meeting arrangements flow smoothly, that effort will be appreciated by the worker. As a parent to be, many more of these accommodations are in your future; therefore the social worker often believes you might as well start getting used to them!

If You Already Have Children

If you already have children, either birth children, adopted children, or both, they will be included in the home study in some way. Older children may be invited to one or more of the educational sessions. They might also be asked to write a statement describing their feelings and preferences about having a new brother or sister. Younger children might be asked to draw a picture showing their thoughts on the subject. Children of all ages will probably be met and/or interviewed by the social worker at least once.

The social worker may ask the children (and you too) how they do in school, what their interests and hobbies are, what their friends are like, and how they get rewarded or disciplined for good or not-so-good behavior. But the emphasis will more likely be on how they see a new child fitting into the family and whether they are prepared to share you with a new sibling. A new sibling means sharing time, attention, television channel selection, the bathroom, the prized seat at the kitchen table, and the many other elements of family life on a daily basis.

Children's input is usually quite important in the overall assessment of a family's readiness to adopt a child. Their feelings need to be considered, and their reaction to the adoption needs to be generally positive. The social worker will want to make sure that a newly adopted child will be wanted and loved by everyone in the family from the start.

Found at http://home-study.adoption.com/adoption_home_study_process.php

Interviews

There probably will be several interviews, perhaps one or two in the agency office and at least one in your home. You will discuss the topics addressed in your autobiographical statement, and the social worker will ask any questions necessary to clarify what you have written. In the case of couples, some agency workers conduct all the interviews jointly, with husband and wife together. Others will conduct both joint and individual interviews.

An important point: the worker is not visiting your home to conduct a white glove inspection! He or she simply needs to verify that the child will be entering into a safe and healthy environment and whether you have thought ahead as to how you are going to accommodate the new family member. There may be a requirement that you have a working smoke alarm (which is a good idea anyway) and an evacuation plan in case of an emergency. The latter is not something many people have, so you might want to develop one ahead of time. The worker may want to see the child's bedroom and all the other areas of the house or apartment, including the basement or back yard.

Some tips for the home visit: Do not clean the whole place from top to bottom, unless that is the level of housekeeping you always maintain. A certain level of cleanliness is necessary, but "lived-in" family clutter is expected. Most social workers would worry that people living in a "picture perfect" home would have a difficult time adjusting to the clutter that a child brings to a household. Instead, use this visit as one more time to build on the open and honest relationship you are developing with the worker.

It is natural to be nervous! But most often the worker wants to work with you and approve you if you have gotten to this point of the home study. You are not expected to reveal every intimate detail of your life, nor are you expected to be perfect! In fact, perfection would probably raise eyebrows. It is much more important to be honest, be yourself, and present a true picture of your family history and family functioning. Social workers know that everyone is a combination of strengths and weaknesses which makes each person unique. If you had a difficult childhood, experienced financial problems, quit a job in anger, or have some other "skeleton" in your closet that you think might disqualify you, chances are, if you discuss it openly with the social worker, it will not present a problem.

Health Statements

Most agencies require a physical exam of prospective adoptive parents, or at least a current tuberculosis test (X-ray or scratch test). Some agencies that only place infants with infertile couples require that the physician verify the infertility. Others just want to know that you are essentially healthy, have a normal life expectancy, and are able to physically and emotionally handle the care of a child. If you have a medical condition, but are under a doctor's care and it is under control (for instance, high blood pressure or diabetes that is controlled by diet and medication), you can probably still be approved as an adoptive family. A serious health problem that affects life expectancy may prevent approval.

Income Statement

Usually, you are asked to verify your income by providing a copy of your paycheck stub(s), a copy of a W-4 form, or an income tax form (1040 or 1040 EZ). You will be asked about your savings, insurance policies, and other investments and debts, including your monthly mortgage or rent payment, car and charge account payments, etc. This helps determine your general financial stability. You do not have to be rich to adopt; you just have to show that you can manages your finances responsibly and adequately.

Child Abuse and Criminal Clearances

Autobiographical Statement

The autobiographical statement can be intimidating, but it is essentially the story of your life. Most agencies have a set of guidelines that detail the kind of information they require to assist you in writing the autobiography, and others have the worker assist you directly. You may be asked to describe who reared you and their style of child rearing, how many brothers and sisters you have, and where you are in the birth order.

Your statement may answer many questions. Were you close to your parents and siblings when you were a child; are you close now; how much contact do you have with them? What are some successes or failures that you have had? What educational level have you reached; do you plan to further your education; are you happy with your educational attainments; what do you think about education for a child? What is your employment status; your employment history; do you have plans to change employment; do you like your current job?

If you are married, there will be questions about your marriage. These may cover how you met, how long you dated before you married, how long you have been married, what attracted you to each other, what your spouse's strengths and weaknesses are, and the issues on which you agree and disagree in your marriage. Others may ask how you make decisions, solve problems, settle arguments, communicate, express feelings, and show affection. If you were married before, there will be questions about that marriage. If you are single, there will be questions about your social life and how you anticipate integrating a child into it, as well as questions about your network of supportive relatives and friends.

In your statement, you will probably describe your ordinary routines, such as your typical weekday or weekend, your hobbies and interests, and your leisure time activities. You may also describe your plans for childcare if you work outside the home. There will be questions that cover your experiences with children, relatives' children, neighbors, volunteer work, babysitting, teaching, or coaching. You might be asked some "what if" questions regarding discipline or other parenting issues.

There is no set format that adoption agencies use to conduct home studies. They must follow the general regulations of their State, but they have the freedom to develop their own application packet, policies, and procedures within those regulations. Some agencies will have prospective parents attend one or several group orientation sessions or a series of training classes before they complete an application. Others will have their social worker start by meeting with family members individually and then ask that they attend educational meetings later on. Usually agency staff members are glad to answer any questions and to guide applicants through the process.

The home study itself is a written report of the findings of the social worker who has met with the applicants on several occasions, both individually and together, usually at the social worker's office. At least one meeting will occur in the applicant's home. If there are other people living in the home, they also will be interviewed by the social worker.

On average the home study process takes three to six months to complete, but it can take longer through public agencies or less time through non-licensed facilitators. The home study process, the contents of the written home study report, and the time it will take to complete vary from State to State and from agency to agency. In general, the following information is included in the home study:

• Personal and family background-including upbringing, siblings, key events, and what was learned from them
• Significant people in the lives of the applicants
• Marriage and family relationships
• Motivation to adopt
• Expectations for the child
• Feelings about infertility (if this is an issue)
• Parenting and integration of the child into the family
• Family environment
• Physical and health history of the applicants
• Education, employment and finances-including insurance coverage and child care plans if needed
• References and criminal background clearances
• Summary and social worker's recommendation

Found on http://home-study.adoption.com/adoption_home_study_process.php

Amom's disappointment over my lack of "feminine qualities" became worse and involve more of my missing qualities the older i got. Her reactions to my faux pas would become even more confusing and painful as well. 

I have never been an overly organized person. Even today my desk is always covered with half completed projects and my file cabinet is used to store more office supplies and snacks then files. It may look like a cluttered work space but I know where everything is and can lay my hands on it at any given moment. It drove my Amom to distraction that I was such a slob by her description.

She in contrast was the most organised person known to man. Our house looked like a picture in House Beautiful. My Adad used to joke how he was afraid to get up at night to go to the bathroom for fear she would get up and make the bed before he returned. She would even straighten up the house before the maid showed up!

During my childhood my Amom worked as an executive secretary for a large chemical plant and my Adad workrd at the same plant as an operator. Between them both money was good and afforded our family with a comfortable living. We lived in a brand new beautiful modern (for the time) 3 bedroom brick home in the newest section of a small community in South TX. Among my peers my family were considered upper middle class.

I had a large bedroom filled with everything any child would want, Growing up I was afforded all the newest toys and stylish clothes most girls could only dream of. We had a maid who came every day so housework for me was not expected. To anyone on the outside it looked like I lived a charmed existence.

Hi

My name is Loujean Stauffer AKA Babygirlmona. Mona was the alias my mother used at Volunteers of America while she was there. When I got my non- identifying information everything that was in there was completely different from what my AP were told. I have concluded since then that most of the story my AP told me had been made up by my AM any way as a ruse to get me interested in things she enjoyed.

My non- identifying information was quite informative as it allowed me to see where I acquired most of my traits. I got my brown hair, hazel eyes, and olive complexion from my Mom and my height from my Dad. She was 6’1” tall & slender.

She loved to sew, read true crime novels, and work on intricate puzzles. All of which have been something I did often. She also claimed to prefer her animals company to humans. When I read that, I almost fell out of my chair, I had lost count on how my times I had said the same.

When I learned that I had an older brother, age 8 and a sister, age 6, I was overjoyed but for some reason, not surprised at all.